a cosmic understanding… 

I am
awakened and parched
softer
sweeter
behind closed moments
dreaming in your sunlight
dangling from leaves
the wind against my skin
reminiscent
of your distant sound
I think of you there
in the brilliance
of stained glass & candlelight
like holy fire
brushed aagainst my lips
Mingled with my breath
Come burn an eternity between my thighs
Is there any measure
I can bring you
what can I do for you
my beautiful love
shall I ever convince you
here inside this reservoir of me
You are seeds rooted
beautifully

a wildness honing…

I have lived a lifetime in this last year. I am aged and I am split into versions of me. I’m letting go of the old to clear way for the new, yet I have deep ties to the older version of me that I won’t…can’t unthether.  Not that anyone is asking or expecting me to. Some things I must hold and carry with me, which I am gloriously happy to do so.

The next steps I take are a sensitive matter…this path requiring a delicate balance. I must trust my ability, spread love farther, deeper than ever I’ve chance. I am willing! I am willing to experience life rather than be in it. To fling wide my heart and paint my passion, rest and withdraw when necessary, ride the waves of emotions, trust my inner-knowing and LOVE from the deepest depths within me. I am willing to live, never having not love with grace and beauty,

This is a pivotal point, a portent, a masterpiece emerging, a wildness honing…

settling of abandonment…

I was drawn to reach for his hand

blame it on the quietness of the moment

or the softer side of my heart

as if peace became the only hymn

What did it mean when my hesitation lingered longer than it ever should

as I think of last night, and that moment

I realize like everything of me dressed in femininity

 I fear abandonment

I turned my head away to watch the

darkness racing past the car window

the tempo of the road faint, like my breathing

it seemed safer not to watch the shadows of my hand closing over his

The warmth of his hand was not what it once was, long ago

he did not flinch

did not react to my warmth

did not reach to cradle my fingers

there was no movement

nor the intake of breath

and then I knew

the end

I let my hand stroke his for a moment longer

it spoke of love and apologies

the gentle cradling of our children

and the dying of battles and wars

the white flag, faded, ever tattered, and muddied

I surrendered to being untouched

and slipped into the settling of abandonment

it wasn’t relief though

it was like reading the last page

with an ending unexpected, and no resolution

it was sadness and disappointment

a dull ache in my chest

as I lifted my hand away from his

my heart heard loneliness I so often recognized

the wall was thick and rough

and my palms felt bloodied from trying to climb over

I thought I could soften the stone

only my heart has soften from the years it laid next to him

although I feel the scars stretch and tear a little more

I imagine he does as well

we feel the tear in the fabric

the unravelling of thread…

 

I bowed my head

lightly traced the veins inside my left wrist…

I wish to never be abandoned again

 

fin…

i watched his face
as he explained
the reasons away
How many times 
have i seen the
 green ice in his eyes 
Staring back at me
this was the first time
his words
carried the same tone
how it pierced me 
in my chest
to feel his “whats the point”
I’ve face endings before
I’ve survive too many of them 
I know they were coming
I read the silence 
the space in between words
two assassins
two bullets
straight to my heart 
silently killing me
my assassination remains invisible
no one sees the blood of neglect..
no one
mourns 
the dying of my light

I am eve and eden…

Forgive me
I didn’t know my heart was so clumsy
stumbling its way out of the dark
many times I chipped away the broken pieces
I only make it as far as the layer of scales of the asp
I am eve and eden
prying open that one secret chamber
waiting for the breath of life
 to bite into the flesh of aching
injecting hope
but how quickly it fades
 with the truth of me exposed
 it rends me
ends me everytime
I reach
pull back
lay barely breathing
gently stilled
resting
mending
building
 then rage again
move through the garden
a force of nature
and I burn; wild
fire is my heart
ash my substance; choking love
I thought I could repair my heart
isn’t that what self love should do
mend the aftermath
stitch millennia times millennia of frayed edges
try try try again
I don’t blame the divine
I am a massive messy heart to love…
I don’t want to be as this
a garden unsealed
full of alone
yet, alone only ever stays