Beyond illusion…

You dispel me
the ego me
you lovingly 
walked me 
into myself
dare me to look within myself
to expose every lie
my ego so effortlessly tells me
I am grateful
of divine presence
a higher self
that knows the ways 
of me
the waves of me
the designs of me
you let me slip under the surface
and often I am temporarily caught
in the illusion of drowning
but I never drown
…I only transform
arise
slowly undressing
my mind
to lay bare
and unafraid
the divine feminine
I am…

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her dark vines…

I feel that rising of deep dark
I know what it means
I know survival
it doesn’t feel as choking if I surrender
so I will let it cover my feet
bind my hands
wrap around my chest…my spine
feel it settle across my mouth
shhhh…don’t try speak it away
just open to the flow of magma
let it burn
I am to lay here letting it ooze from my skin
I don’t even know what’s left inside me
perhaps its something God knows
here in this garden he grew inside me
weeds tangle softer blooms
killing their scent…
I know this too shall pass
and refinement I perpetually crave
 

years later…

She stands on the outside of her front door adjusting the armful of items left in the car, fiddling with her keys to unlock the the door…she slips the key in the lock and exhales a long breath, heavy with discontent, knowing what awaits her on the other side. 

The above was written two years ago and has been in my list of drafts. I find it interesting to go through and read what I had started to speak. Somethings trigger memory of what I was feeling at the moment, and others, I realize they come from a deeper place. A place I am still uncovering.

I honor these simple drafts! From one word to a pageful of emotion. I very rarely, if ever write from my head. I was called a heartspiller quite sometime ago by wonderful soul. He knew that I am poured out, best served from the deepest part of my heart.

And I continue to remain…

if anything, it is a beautiful dream…

I am uncertain I have that vision of possibility
my jaw feels numb as I consider every random bit of me
I blow the incense dust from my keyboard
how did it settle here?
Should I cover my eyes
my mouth 
my heart 
in perfumed smoke
would that make me sacred enough
beautiful enough
to fit your kingdom
to be open inside
you 
I feel at this moment so very
ANCIENT
and missing
components 
a keyed realm so far off
pretty & glamourous
and perhaps you have realized this all along

of places unfathomable…

I love him
from a place unfathomable
indescribable
to the naked mind
you could strip my thoughts
and still not comprehend 
he is only pieces & flashes
residing there

travel further down
dissect the beating of my heart
he is resonance
an unfoldment of beauty
life’s breath to this
unfinished symphony
yet still not a full measure

dive deeper 
here in this reservoir of me
search for his reflection
pooled and quenching
he is oceans and stars
yet still 
you would only feel 
hints of the mystic
he in the undertow
there are no maps to guide you
you could sail my entirety
never having fully realized
this place and how I love him 

I love him
from a place unfathomable
indescribable…
from a place only 
he and I 
could ever recognize 

her age bruising…

It was the dark space
that spoke to her
a tiny bit further away
from the noise 
a quiet aura caught her eye
pinged in the pit of her stomach
her head ached to stop
the bashing of her self
pleading for respite care
of ailments rising in her chest
her eyes were bruised it seemed
from rejection that time brings
undesired her constant companion
keeping her awake at night
weariness her choker 
she doesn’t want to speak of her thoughts nor think of her thoughts
she wants her heart to be the victor
but here it comes her shadowed moon
light just might be an illusion
the seas and oceans she contains 
are again, welling up inside 
the mind chattering of all the ways
she’ll be left drowning….
alone

her heart remains heavy
ego the harbinger of  death
of potentially beautiful things

a cosmic understanding… 

I am
awakened and parched
softer
sweeter
behind closed moments
dreaming in your sunlight
dangling from leaves
the wind against my skin
reminiscent
of your distant sound
I think of you there
in the brilliance
of stained glass & candlelight
like holy fire
brushed aagainst my lips
Mingled with my breath
Come burn an eternity between my thighs
Is there any measure
I can bring you
what can I do for you
my beautiful love
shall I ever convince you
here inside this reservoir of me
You are seeds rooted
beautifully