a closing ache…

I should have made coffee instead of exploring. I saw it today…how eerily close to the truth I was of that weekend. My concern or fear then was realized. I suppose from another’s 3D viewpoint they could easily described how hopeless it all is. I know it is not that I am not enough (although it is hard to not feel that I am) rather, it’s more like not the human vision of what is desired. I have been hopeful but now it seems pointless to hold hope of incredible love. It exists!…that soulful love, yet some are just not meant to have the tangible experience. I feel this overwhelming sadness attached to my thoughts. How can I say I am defeated when I carry this beautiful ability to love deeply?  But I do…I feel so very defeated. Every chance of love has slipped through my fingers. This wretched ache in my heart and my throat…tiny tears become so heavy within.

So many goodbyes…

I am exhausted of them and my heart begins to slowly close

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only here lays countenance…

she is not less

because you don’t

acknowledge her

such a difficult mountain to stare at

such an overwhelming climb

she is just about there

almost to the summit

to greet the sun

which feeds her light to be love and give warmth

for that which she too is deserving

her weak voice and hard will

whispers thank you’s for

all the empty spaces

you’ve placed her in

for how could she discover

she is more than your silence

more than than the dust and

smeared fingerprints on sensitive glass

her prayer to be loved

to love as an all consuming fire

the countenance of pure love

still unanswered…

 

one day

someone unafraid and unburdened 

 fully realized her worth and willingly

risked everything he ever knew to live

wholly & completely loved by her…

and it was beautiful

 

(or so the insane story goes…)

 

War to love…

I use to think I needed to reach a certain place to be defined as successful, but I have move beyond those thoughts. I choose to not remain in a certain place, nor plant my feet on any plateau, nor assume I am completed pieces of a put-together-puzzle! Life is evolution, ever in motion, in a constant state of flux, a river snaked to the ocean, evaporation to rain, of storms and swells, lapping tides, rushing and crashing, to calming ebb and flow.

I willingly dive into life’s waters, yet it is not always an easy choice. Even seemingly safe waters are decieving, distances are skewed, the shallows are not necessarily safe, and a deeper depth just may save you…what appears to be, is not always what is. To live is to risk! Evanesce of pain and hurt requires change, requires one to rage war within, requires an acceptance of dark to find light, to search bloody battlefields of self to find love, to love oneself and to love others.

To become love is my choosing and it  has been so very hard these past few years to be open to change, to brave the heartwrenching pain that comes from stretching beyond self-imposed thresholds, so that I may peel back layers, dismantle the metal armor, tear rancid flesh from my bones lying in blood and dust,  just to expose the very core of my existence. I am full of scars, and still tend to the cuts bleeding…self-love does rage against self-hate. Yet, how precious my spirit, my soul, willing to risk all that I created, everything desirable and undesireable, all that I have known, to become more than a statistic, more than a label, more than my sex, more than my physical body, more than someone else’s measure of my worth.

And where does all this leave me? Still willing! Trusting this moment to lead me into the next moment, to guide me from novice to mastery…through war…to love

 

❤ M