random writing…

*often I just sit and start writing. Letting the words come with no intention of making a  point. I refer to it as waterfall of words, emotions, etc,…just letting it flow and end where it may. This is such a post. LOL

We often come to a crossroads in our life and there are years where we can linger in the dirt. Arid is our atmosphere and we toil under the sun, watching for the storms brewing in the distance, chant for rain, pray for reprieve. Sometimes there is nothing in our field of vision, nor words that soften our land. Storms come and we lay unprotected, pelted and left raw in the elements. In those years sometimes we are called upon to lay dormant, be patient and wait.  We don’t always listen though and we create more negative energy that takes even longer to heal from. I have been at that crossroads for quite sometime. Mired in my pain and grasping at unhealthy doors that have brought delay and more heartache. Awhile back I screamed for mercy. I began to let go of expectations, yet still my mind, so use to creating them, I still desire certain outcomes and with that comes disappointment.  I know healing has begun and it has taken me awhile to adjust to the light, to see color beyond the gray, and definitely a little more heartache has come along the pathway.

You  may notice my writing has been sparce and strange. It too seems foreign to myself, weird and almost plain in comparison to what I have been writing for the last couple of years. Part of me is mourning that ache and beauty of lost love and the dark writing. For a long time I had felt quite beautiful in my pain. Perhaps that exploration of my dark side was/is the lesson. I needed to dive and stay growing in my hurt and pain, and at times,  in misery to understand my duality (yin and yang). To awaken to the light that has always been inside of me. This is not to say my dark is no longer, quite the opposite, I still feel it wanting to surface, to be heard, but I think it is part of my ego screaming for attention. I am certain dark will remain in parts of my writing. It is just a part of understanding the human psyche, consciously though I am choosing not to stay in the dark.

I am moving forward, i feel at this moment with limited visibility, yet with trust and faith that where I am headed is where I am meant to go, be, become. It is not without separation  or heartache, and loss though… I am aware and understand this strong pull to leap though. I recognize also that dark and light are both beauty deep within my soul and live inbetween here and there

M

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bare…

Somedays

I am are left without color

in stark contrast

slipping into dark

smoked lined eyes

nude my shade

touching pale lips

dimming light

shadows my confidant

I lay bare on hazy lines

dare not cross into your hours

with eyes full of confession

days into nights

fall afar

little bits of time

soak into the grain of wood

here I am

near you

felled silently

#novemberfalls #hazyday @breath_words @aseawords 
#handwritten #poetry #poetsofinstagram #poetsofig 
#poetryofinstagram #poetry #poeticsighs #smokeyeyes #nudelips #somedays #slient #spillingink #heartspiller

Yesterday’s afternoon…

what a wonderful soul
to say openly of his struggle
to speak of his comeback
fire took his belongings 
try to turn his spirit to dead ash
yet he in his depressed stillness 
found a quiet strength 
and is on the rise once more
what a lovely man
the gentle vulnerability 
I find in his manner
refreshing ease
evident in our conversation
as we spoke briefly of life 
and its tough delivery

*This man will never know how I see him. He will never know I write of him today. And if I should see him again I will smile for rare is such raw and exposing honesty. My heart appreciates these kind of moments and people such as he. 

a waterfall of words…and words spread amongst my ground and grow

Pay attention
pay attention screams
my intuition

soil dry
my soul
long have I 
neglected tilling
too busy trying 
to grow from stone
failing on the outskirt 
I have forgotten
the seeds within
growing things will crack open
spring forth life
from within
uprooting earth 
layering the ground 
not without water,
not without light
having never doubt
it’s  grand design 
flower and bloom 
feed & cover the world 
I neglected my soil
my soul I am unforgivable 
forgetting to love you 
left forgotten
untilled
you have only been alone
toiling in the dark
this mind has blocked your sun
and the water of tears only
falls to my pillow 
no more are you
in the shadows
darkened by neglect

dead in weeds 
they can’t feed you
but I can
sweet water can ammend 
adjust postion 
transition
into garden
bee to kiss bloom
to feed
circle our our world 
and others

of implications darling…

I have not found an hour
in which thoughts 
have not drift 
to the sun of you
burning my mind
heart aglow and fiery
lighted over the seconds collected
raining us in heaven’s gold
forgiveness and salvation in length 
lovers stretch far across the night
reflected in midnighted moons
when did I realize that expanse of you
and this skin I’ve been wearing 
undesired
hiding the complexion of underneath 
salacious deep 
come shed me
to shed me of faded oceans
shed the old to reborn stars
understand this implication
of love existing
yet not in dreams 
rather persistent & real
let the measured 
dimensions of you
harbored in the place
before me
stay as is
beautiful framework 
of past lives left lived…
enter as otherworldly 
a bold unknown
do not deny I beg 
nor falter love

in this ever of hours…

will you kiss me
come midnight
love all my years
let all my trivialities
melt away from the
heat of your mouth

will you want my sex
come 1:00 a.m.  
taste rained earth
thirst & take more 
our blend forming
a perfect universe

will you read me passionately
come 3:00 a.m.
as it demands we meet often
under the stars and moolight
we never more than a few pages
away inside of our minds

will you wrap to my form
come 4:00 a.m.
contented with our rhythm and sound; the ease of breathing together 
to end & begin infinitely

will you wake me 
at 5:00 a.m.
to repeat our beckoning ache
once is never enough; 
nor is forever 

will you dream of me
come 6:00 a.m.
travel back a thousand years
to once again encounter me;
remember

or will you come
the ever of hours
release the tourniquet 
stay your distance
watch me bleed afar
until I am no more
your vision
no more your desire
if ever I was; am

ice cream not my first choice…

Sometimes
you need 
an escape
such as 
mind-blowing 
sex
or Thai food
or even
something simple
like a cup of 
jamocha almond 
fudge ice cream…

had to settle 
for the latter

was not  
my first choice

spill myself…let it all fall away

I toss and turn
restless and sleepless 
I speak to the moon
“watch over my loves”
open my palm
throw kisses
away in flight
they aren’t mine to hold
nor to nestle to my chest
their presence tattooed evermore
tiny microbial fragments linger
fused to my ribs
lining my lungs
cocooned in my heart 
I don’t want to be a suffocator 
I don’t want to be without
I don’t understand anything anymore
other than to let go all my love 
let it fall
give it away…
keep walking alone
spilling myself 
leave a trail
evidence that
I am a someone…

existing