settling of abandonment…

I was drawn to reach for his hand

blame it on the quietness of the moment

or the softer side of my heart

as if peace became the only hymn

What did it mean when my hesitation lingered longer than it ever should

as I think of last night, and that moment

I realize like everything of me dressed in femininity

 I fear abandonment

I turned my head away to watch the

darkness racing past the car window

the tempo of the road faint, like my breathing

it seemed safer not to watch the shadows of my hand closing over his

The warmth of his hand was not what it once was, long ago

he did not flinch

did not react to my warmth

did not reach to cradle my fingers

there was no movement

nor the intake of breath

and then I knew

the end

I let my hand stroke his for a moment longer

it spoke of love and apologies

the gentle cradling of our children

and the dying of battles and wars

the white flag, faded, ever tattered, and muddied

I surrendered to being untouched

and slipped into the settling of abandonment

it wasn’t relief though

it was like reading the last page

with an ending unexpected, and no resolution

it was sadness and disappointment

a dull ache in my chest

as I lifted my hand away from his

my heart heard loneliness I so often recognized

the wall was thick and rough

and my palms felt bloodied from trying to climb over

I thought I could soften the stone

only my heart has soften from the years it laid next to him

although I feel the scars stretch and tear a little more

I imagine he does as well

we feel the tear in the fabric

the unravelling of thread…

 

I bowed my head

lightly traced the veins inside my left wrist…

I wish to never be abandoned again

 

a starlit hope…

I don’t want to return
to those seconds where I died
it is not the scene of a pretty flower wiliting
rather a self-massacre
a dissection of  heart and mind and soul
I drowned in my own pooled blood
it was warm for a  few minutes
as if relief escaped the wound
I so thick-layered with darkness
I could only reach out into the emptiness
I don’t need to return to that lifetime
I just never want to forget death
for rebirth follows
long ago in that darkness
a star shone its message
and my heart still yearns
for its lighted hope

the Red Cardinal and the Blue Jay…

they held time

bending air

if only a few seconds

hovering

the length of their wingspan

chest to chest

wide open and roaring

as if the twisting of flames

to lay claim their truth

an undeniable totem

so beautiful a rare moment…

 and suddenly there we were

you and I

suspended and stilled

secret and lies

truth and clarity

a spiritual silence 

 a warring awakening

…nothing and everything

I have really stepped away from writing for quite sometime now. It’s not an intentional thing, rather I just found myself distant from my writing self. Perhaps I created these heavy barriers!  My fears spoke a little while back, I was paralyzed for a few minutes in the space of a few minutes, and that fear ultimately pushed me into a silence I no longer care to fucking endure. Of course there are more reasons I care not to reveal but let me say it is/has been a rough path I wander. I know now why I have gone this way…I do so for growth, truth, clarity, because it is a necessary process, the kind where towers collaspe, the truth of the weak foundation exposed, the kind where I welcome the shedding of old skin, ridding the dust that has settled inbetween the cracks of all the previous years. Despite the overwhlming ache and pain, in the deepest part of my soul, this shedding comes regardless. All these dark layers, the wastelands that are uncovered, they are the fuel for a beautiful propulsion through an opening in the veil. I gratefully, achefully, painfully, knee-deep and drowing, wade through it all. I don’t want to go back to the other side, the side faded of the truth of me. So I let the vapor overtake and permeate, the ghosts care not to stay here in this atmosphere. This valley I look out into and walk through is for the greatest reason and that greatest reason is always for LOVE…a love beyond the limitations of our human mind. It starts within! A deeper, slow growing seed, watered for longer than a millennia, or more, and often again and again!

The poem is not necessarily speaking of the field I have been in. And yet is so true to form in my writing. Multiple layers weaved through simple words as the humaness of me and the spiritual inner knowing of me soaks into and colors the pages. I never see it until later afte r the writing is down on the page.

This morning during my walk I realized how much I miss the poetess in me. I feel more beautiful, as if she is the only truth to me, but I know I am she and she is me! I am many parts of a whole…some parts lay stilled, far away, seperated from me/she (That is a longer story!)

Anyway, this morning during my walk I knew I needed to bring back my breath, open my heart again, break free from self-imposed chains of expectations that have failed to come true. So after my walk, when sharing space with my granddaugter and one of my beautiful daughters, we sat quiet as the music played. I was relaxed and at peace, content for the gentle moment. I could feel the energy building, the words daring to writhe to the surface. A hunger…a knowing

Music is a muse that manifests poetry from a deep place in me. I always feel I am reminisceing of earlier lifetimes when writing. Often I stare out the window and let the sound move through me. That is just the dancer in me…lost in the rythmn and it was in that moment, lost for a few seconds, that suddenly a flash of blue and red flew by my window. And there they were, the cardinal and the blue jay, stilled, as if time stopped or at least slowed, wings wide spread, chest to chest, a beautiful war, a beautiful dance…

And, so very reminiscent of the many shades and shapes of us, my love!

 

deadly…

expectations;

rather you didn’t settle here

you only keep me far from abundance

my opened heart; understands

far beyond earthly limitations

deadly this mind;

3D prisoner

 

 

spread…

I was never anything

so murderous

until i slipped out of my clothes

gently fell each piece to the floor

bare and daring

I gave myself

over and again

again and again

whatever I was looking for

it never came

with pink lips and

breathless sighs

I was never anything

as murderous as me!

 

 

 

random writing…

*often I just sit and start writing. Letting the words come with no intention of making a  point. I refer to it as waterfall of words, emotions, etc,…just letting it flow and end where it may. This is such a post. LOL

We often come to a crossroads in our life and there are years where we can linger in the dirt. Arid is our atmosphere and we toil under the sun, watching for the storms brewing in the distance, chant for rain, pray for reprieve. Sometimes there is nothing in our field of vision, nor words that soften our land. Storms come and we lay unprotected, pelted and left raw in the elements. In those years sometimes we are called upon to lay dormant, be patient and wait.  We don’t always listen though and we create more negative energy that takes even longer to heal from. I have been at that crossroads for quite sometime. Mired in my pain and grasping at unhealthy doors that have brought delay and more heartache. Awhile back I screamed for mercy. I began to let go of expectations, yet still my mind, so use to creating them, I still desire certain outcomes and with that comes disappointment.  I know healing has begun and it has taken me awhile to adjust to the light, to see color beyond the gray, and definitely a little more heartache has come along the pathway.

You  may notice my writing has been sparce and strange. It too seems foreign to myself, weird and almost plain in comparison to what I have been writing for the last couple of years. Part of me is mourning that ache and beauty of lost love and the dark writing. For a long time I had felt quite beautiful in my pain. Perhaps that exploration of my dark side was/is the lesson. I needed to dive and stay growing in my hurt and pain, and at times,  in misery to understand my duality (yin and yang). To awaken to the light that has always been inside of me. This is not to say my dark is no longer, quite the opposite, I still feel it wanting to surface, to be heard, but I think it is part of my ego screaming for attention. I am certain dark will remain in parts of my writing. It is just a part of understanding the human psyche, consciously though I am choosing not to stay in the dark.

I am moving forward, i feel at this moment with limited visibility, yet with trust and faith that where I am headed is where I am meant to go, be, become. It is not without separation  or heartache, and loss though… I am aware and understand this strong pull to leap though. I recognize also that dark and light are both beauty deep within my soul and live inbetween here and there

M

an ageless thing…

we spoke of age
and its
inconsistent
measure
young
old
truely I believe you 
it doesn’t matter
it is such an ageless thing
a concept only formed to fit 
the rule-makers design
oft in the mind of the 
passionless and disenchated
I, having been one
my own victim 
to my own murderess ways
minimizing my potency
I lost my way for a long while
yet I’m awakened
ageless
finding my way back to me

There once was a man…
who wanted me

bare…

Somedays

I am are left without color

in stark contrast

slipping into dark

smoked lined eyes

nude my shade

touching pale lips

dimming light

shadows my confidant

I lay bare on hazy lines

dare not cross into your hours

with eyes full of confession

days into nights

fall afar

little bits of time

soak into the grain of wood

here I am

near you

felled silently

#novemberfalls #hazyday @breath_words @aseawords 
#handwritten #poetry #poetsofinstagram #poetsofig 
#poetryofinstagram #poetry #poeticsighs #smokeyeyes #nudelips #somedays #slient #spillingink #heartspiller

once upon a sleeper…

you opened my cocooned pod
I felt the ice melting
from my cryogenic sleep
raising my beats
from shunned to shine
I began to upcycle wasted tears
eyelashes coated with stardust 
I braved the idea of possibilites
conquered a black diamond run
one turn at time
I was felled darling
with black dove wings
trying to reach peace
atop your sky…

I don’t know now 
where you are…