the Red Cardinal and the Blue Jay…

they held time

bending air

if only a few seconds

hovering

the length of their wingspan

chest to chest

wide open and roaring

as if the twisting of flames

to lay claim their truth

an undeniable totem

so beautiful a rare moment…

 and suddenly there we were

you and I

suspended and stilled

secret and lies

truth and clarity

a spiritual silence 

 a warring awakening

…nothing and everything

I have really stepped away from writing for quite sometime now. It’s not an intentional thing, rather I just found myself distant from my writing self. Perhaps I created these heavy barriers!  My fears spoke a little while back, I was paralyzed for a few minutes in the space of a few minutes, and that fear ultimately pushed me into a silence I no longer care to fucking endure. Of course there are more reasons I care not to reveal but let me say it is/has been a rough path I wander. I know now why I have gone this way…I do so for growth, truth, clarity, because it is a necessary process, the kind where towers collaspe, the truth of the weak foundation exposed, the kind where I welcome the shedding of old skin, ridding the dust that has settled inbetween the cracks of all the previous years. Despite the overwhlming ache and pain, in the deepest part of my soul, this shedding comes regardless. All these dark layers, the wastelands that are uncovered, they are the fuel for a beautiful propulsion through an opening in the veil. I gratefully, achefully, painfully, knee-deep and drowing, wade through it all. I don’t want to go back to the other side, the side faded of the truth of me. So I let the vapor overtake and permeate, the ghosts care not to stay here in this atmosphere. This valley I look out into and walk through is for the greatest reason and that greatest reason is always for LOVE…a love beyond the limitations of our human mind. It starts within! A deeper, slow growing seed, watered for longer than a millennia, or more, and often again and again!

The poem is not necessarily speaking of the field I have been in. And yet is so true to form in my writing. Multiple layers weaved through simple words as the humaness of me and the spiritual inner knowing of me soaks into and colors the pages. I never see it until later afte r the writing is down on the page.

This morning during my walk I realized how much I miss the poetess in me. I feel more beautiful, as if she is the only truth to me, but I know I am she and she is me! I am many parts of a whole…some parts lay stilled, far away, seperated from me/she (That is a longer story!)

Anyway, this morning during my walk I knew I needed to bring back my breath, open my heart again, break free from self-imposed chains of expectations that have failed to come true. So after my walk, when sharing space with my granddaugter and one of my beautiful daughters, we sat quiet as the music played. I was relaxed and at peace, content for the gentle moment. I could feel the energy building, the words daring to writhe to the surface. A hunger…a knowing

Music is a muse that manifests poetry from a deep place in me. I always feel I am reminisceing of earlier lifetimes when writing. Often I stare out the window and let the sound move through me. That is just the dancer in me…lost in the rythmn and it was in that moment, lost for a few seconds, that suddenly a flash of blue and red flew by my window. And there they were, the cardinal and the blue jay, stilled, as if time stopped or at least slowed, wings wide spread, chest to chest, a beautiful war, a beautiful dance…

And, so very reminiscent of the many shades and shapes of us, my love!

 

an anniversary…a death…a resurrection

It has been 2 years since registering on WordPress. So it stated in my notifications a few days ago. It hasn’t felt that long ago even with all the pauses I took from writing. Perhaps that is what came to mind (is time relevant?) when I thought about the purpose of my writing. I asked myself if I wanted to keep writing in the same manner, still feel the same pain over and over again, experience the same ache and loneliness wedged inbetween the lines, wake up a few years from now still carrying the heaviness of loss?

I have taken quite a extensive break from writing in the last couple of months. I just stopped feeling inspired! I felt a part of me die! I felt that I had nothing more to say! I felt once again that the same pattern came back to haunt me! And, so I let go! Every once in awhile I worried I would never write again, but writing is inside me, alive and breathing. I lay dormant so I could release the old energy I have carried for a long while now. and in my stillness I suffered, was pummled, torn and cut, cried, mourned, died a thousand deaths, but not without reason, not without purpose. The dark night of the shadow is very true. My moon groaned…my sun dimmed…ego death is so very hard to embrace.

So I am here again, without expectation. A resurrection? Well, not the old shadow self. But there will be more shedding of old skin…you can just sense it when you have more to release…beauty from ashes, let me burn…I am still becoming M

silence existing…

you are the silence

may I never breathe in any other noise

let us keep our place there

where we are the roar of waves

ageless ebb and flow

undeciphered by any other

locked on & intertwined

coded pieces of home

you are earth holding my water

 the expanse of air to my flame

searching no other

only you will understand

the drops of love existing

within this silence

 

 

 

in the midst of resting…

There is something healing about stepping back, stepping away, looking in another direction, laying down the heavy baggage and resting. I suppose I am still in the midst of such a respite. It has been, and still is emotionally tumultous but I wouldn’t change a thing! I know it is for my greatest good. I recognize the synchronicities, feel the abundance welling within…I know it leads to everything good and just, and is divinely guided.

I’m not haunted. I’m no longer running from nor chasing ghosts. I’m setting them free! Yet, I will never forget the beauty of each shiver, every lick of the whip, every whisper of deeply held pain! I ask that it stays cleaved to me so that I might never forget, to remember, to understand what others go through, to give my experience and my pain a voice, and to say to those in similar territories…”I know!” “I understand!” “I feel you!””I see you!”

How can I explain this journey? The path only illuminated by faith! The details unbelievable…unexplainable! To tell my truth, this unfathomable truth will come if only I never resist. The words will come when they are ready. I know my heart is healing, and it is a living, breathing, beautiful entity to carry within my chest. And my soul? Oh my ancient beautiful soul…”I know!” “I understand!” “I feel you!” “I see you!”

 

F. D. I. L .Y…

one day you will understand

until then I’ll just drown in music

let my soul float away

slip away

become a cast away

from the rest of the world

in tiny little increments

inbetween the flittering voices and the base beats

its peeling away the dirt

  sweet escape from the grime

 from the breathing in of normalcy…

 

Fuck

Darling

I love you…

 

chrysalis

What calls me
to take my mind away
I don’t recognize anything inside me anymore
this displacement of air
heaviness in my chest
I still breathe
yet weariness is my shade
black and blue
magenta
I,
no longer in the know of my body
twists and turns
lock me up
steal my former curves
maybe I am the pupa
dreaming of blooms in the wild field
freedom is blurred in this praire wind
the sun still finds me
golden tongue warms my skin
traces the skeleton of my wings
rememebering me
yet becoming me…
transforming breath
chrysalis

random writing…

*often I just sit and start writing. Letting the words come with no intention of making a  point. I refer to it as waterfall of words, emotions, etc,…just letting it flow and end where it may. This is such a post. LOL

We often come to a crossroads in our life and there are years where we can linger in the dirt. Arid is our atmosphere and we toil under the sun, watching for the storms brewing in the distance, chant for rain, pray for reprieve. Sometimes there is nothing in our field of vision, nor words that soften our land. Storms come and we lay unprotected, pelted and left raw in the elements. In those years sometimes we are called upon to lay dormant, be patient and wait.  We don’t always listen though and we create more negative energy that takes even longer to heal from. I have been at that crossroads for quite sometime. Mired in my pain and grasping at unhealthy doors that have brought delay and more heartache. Awhile back I screamed for mercy. I began to let go of expectations, yet still my mind, so use to creating them, I still desire certain outcomes and with that comes disappointment.  I know healing has begun and it has taken me awhile to adjust to the light, to see color beyond the gray, and definitely a little more heartache has come along the pathway.

You  may notice my writing has been sparce and strange. It too seems foreign to myself, weird and almost plain in comparison to what I have been writing for the last couple of years. Part of me is mourning that ache and beauty of lost love and the dark writing. For a long time I had felt quite beautiful in my pain. Perhaps that exploration of my dark side was/is the lesson. I needed to dive and stay growing in my hurt and pain, and at times,  in misery to understand my duality (yin and yang). To awaken to the light that has always been inside of me. This is not to say my dark is no longer, quite the opposite, I still feel it wanting to surface, to be heard, but I think it is part of my ego screaming for attention. I am certain dark will remain in parts of my writing. It is just a part of understanding the human psyche, consciously though I am choosing not to stay in the dark.

I am moving forward, i feel at this moment with limited visibility, yet with trust and faith that where I am headed is where I am meant to go, be, become. It is not without separation  or heartache, and loss though… I am aware and understand this strong pull to leap though. I recognize also that dark and light are both beauty deep within my soul and live inbetween here and there

M

an ageless thing…

we spoke of age
and its
inconsistent
measure
young
old
truely I believe you 
it doesn’t matter
it is such an ageless thing
a concept only formed to fit 
the rule-makers design
oft in the mind of the 
passionless and disenchated
I, having been one
my own victim 
to my own murderess ways
minimizing my potency
I lost my way for a long while
yet I’m awakened
ageless
finding my way back to me

There once was a man…
who wanted me

once upon a sleeper…

you opened my cocooned pod
I felt the ice melting
from my cryogenic sleep
raising my beats
from shunned to shine
I began to upcycle wasted tears
eyelashes coated with stardust 
I braved the idea of possibilites
conquered a black diamond run
one turn at time
I was felled darling
with black dove wings
trying to reach peace
atop your sky…

I don’t know now 
where you are…