a starlit hope…

I don’t want to return
to those seconds where I died
it is not the scene of a pretty flower wiliting
rather a self-massacre
a dissection of  heart and mind and soul
I drowned in my own pooled blood
it was warm for a  few minutes
as if relief escaped the wound
I so thick-layered with darkness
I could only reach out into the emptiness
I don’t need to return to that lifetime
I just never want to forget death
for rebirth follows
long ago in that darkness
a star shone its message
and my heart still yearns
for its lighted hope

a fading lifespan…

her strength never failed

somewhere there hiding in the shadows

simply ready to be as she was born to be

a warrioress, a teacher,  a healer

divine feminine lying in wait

for her human fragility

to shatter as porcelain

gather every delicate piece

rearrange herself an artpiece

arise anew

This poem was written 3 months ago. I had no idea I wrote this until now as I decided to look at the drafts folder. So many times I have started to write only to abandon it, and yet, have I?  My heart knew what my mind did not…to let fade a hurting lifespan, and to become anew

 

 

 

 

in the midst of resting…

There is something healing about stepping back, stepping away, looking in another direction, laying down the heavy baggage and resting. I suppose I am still in the midst of such a respite. It has been, and still is emotionally tumultous but I wouldn’t change a thing! I know it is for my greatest good. I recognize the synchronicities, feel the abundance welling within…I know it leads to everything good and just, and is divinely guided.

I’m not haunted. I’m no longer running from nor chasing ghosts. I’m setting them free! Yet, I will never forget the beauty of each shiver, every lick of the whip, every whisper of deeply held pain! I ask that it stays cleaved to me so that I might never forget, to remember, to understand what others go through, to give my experience and my pain a voice, and to say to those in similar territories…”I know!” “I understand!” “I feel you!””I see you!”

How can I explain this journey? The path only illuminated by faith! The details unbelievable…unexplainable! To tell my truth, this unfathomable truth will come if only I never resist. The words will come when they are ready. I know my heart is healing, and it is a living, breathing, beautiful entity to carry within my chest. And my soul? Oh my ancient beautiful soul…”I know!” “I understand!” “I feel you!” “I see you!”

 

yet, you…

I feel the mend

time bending

as it reaches for me

an awakening that

no one can quite hear

yet, you…

in intimate stillness

in nestled healing

is where I also form

tomorrow doesn’t reveal itself

we shouldn’t beg for it

only sway in this moment

as passion and beauty unfold

open with abandon

where we become

alive

 

unapologetically…be you

Sometimes you just need to get out of your

head

bed

unleash dread

let go of what’s said

sometimes you just need to release the emotions you

hold

lightly or bold

new or old

enlighteningly told

sometimes you need to

step up

step towards

step back

step away

come stay

come around some other day

sometimes you just need to

ruminate

pollinate

illuminate

eradictate

and all the time you need to

be you

become new

be your soul’s purpose

unveil

be spiritual truth

be unapologetically you

a beautiful soul…

There is this soul
who is beautiful air
a gentle teacher
a willing student 
whom has shown 
love and kindness 
my soul is filling 
because of his pathway
his belief
his beauty 
his pain
his name…
air

I am grateful

🙏🏻Namaste 

of random thoughts…

I know we get caught up  in the the tangle of what we don’t have, feeling as if something is missing, so much so we can’t even begin to see what’s truly beautiful around us.

We forget to look and be grateful, hardly able to remember the definition of positivity. Forgetting that what we think we perceive, what we precive comes to be.
I am so guilty of this inclination to self loathe, to be drowning in negative thoughts, which leads to negative circumstance. Yet I don’t remain there. 

I am a constant student of self, learning to cope with theses thoughts that have plagued me from when I can first remember…around age five. 

Thank goodness I have a few people full of optimism and love and support in my immediate world. And yes, often I feel very much alone and unloved. Although I have such love for them. Without them I may have drowned a thousand times. 

I know my wordpress has such dark self hating matter but please know if it is written on a page, it is released, exposed, it is no longer hiding in the deep recess of my being. For me it is healing to uncover the dark. 

This blog is my medium for that healing ritual. It is the way of me and I am ever evolving, ever breathing, some moments beautiful and elegant, and other moments slipping deep into the darkest of ache. 

Remember though, I am…far more full of love, Am loved, am surrounded by love and I am love itself…

stay or leave…read or don’t…Be a part of my life or not…yet I will have loved you regardless. 
I have had lived through some very dark and rough circumstances and I am still here standing, full of love for humanity, even in our depravity we are worthy of love, have the ability to love, are love!

Remember this darlings

❤️️M

a waterfall of words…and words spread amongst my ground and grow

Pay attention
pay attention screams
my intuition

soil dry
my soul
long have I 
neglected tilling
too busy trying 
to grow from stone
failing on the outskirt 
I have forgotten
the seeds within
growing things will crack open
spring forth life
from within
uprooting earth 
layering the ground 
not without water,
not without light
having never doubt
it’s  grand design 
flower and bloom 
feed & cover the world 
I neglected my soil
my soul I am unforgivable 
forgetting to love you 
left forgotten
untilled
you have only been alone
toiling in the dark
this mind has blocked your sun
and the water of tears only
falls to my pillow 
no more are you
in the shadows
darkened by neglect

dead in weeds 
they can’t feed you
but I can
sweet water can ammend 
adjust postion 
transition
into garden
bee to kiss bloom
to feed
circle our our world 
and others

even the broken chips laying at the bottom were once whole…still hold flavor

Half hearted
to a whole heart
is devastating

am I stench of fodder 
and black licorice
my tongue stain black 
a mouth slimed and muddy

what will console 
with limitations imported
burdens plated on tables

the why none care to come fully
share bread nor drink
and sorrowful are they 
in the seconds of realization

yet humans are careless
so easily toss others aside
Away 
Pushed
clear the field with
sweeping apathy

lights dim and time out 
the end of cycles
murder shot hitting target

why tempt immersion 
if drought is all
one can deliver
is it exercise of ego
stretching limbs
yawning of bordem
trying on for size

Often (every time)
too selfish
too broken
too much
not enough 
not the right socket
to claim adjustments

so many moons
have entered me
leaving me dusted & waned
I am no longer certain
of my strength

my sun not rising
rather setting stage
in shaded twilight 
though it has never favored me
only betrays me

hope for a new day
yet the dawn never last
never potent long
nor ancillary to healing
maybe I am the cruel one
for not loving half-hearted

and this damndable
stitched up, perpetually 
fractured, with broken chips 
layering the bottom 
whole heart
only knows
to love wholly 

this stranger loves…

I fall in love
every time I hear 
a vulnerable heart
one unafraid to weep 
expose fragility 
waning and shattered
yet wrapped 
in a mendable form
I fall in love everyday
a heart designed to feel
every rough edge
to ease the weariness of another
letting my rhythm lace each rip
drop a solitary tear to renew
if only hearts ever knew
this stranger does love…