the Red Cardinal and the Blue Jay…

they held time

bending air

if only a few seconds

hovering

the length of their wingspan

chest to chest

wide open and roaring

as if the twisting of flames

to lay claim their truth

an undeniable totem

so beautiful a rare moment…

 and suddenly there we were

you and I

suspended and stilled

secret and lies

truth and clarity

a spiritual silence 

 a warring awakening

…nothing and everything

I have really stepped away from writing for quite sometime now. It’s not an intentional thing, rather I just found myself distant from my writing self. Perhaps I created these heavy barriers!  My fears spoke a little while back, I was paralyzed for a few minutes in the space of a few minutes, and that fear ultimately pushed me into a silence I no longer care to fucking endure. Of course there are more reasons I care not to reveal but let me say it is/has been a rough path I wander. I know now why I have gone this way…I do so for growth, truth, clarity, because it is a necessary process, the kind where towers collaspe, the truth of the weak foundation exposed, the kind where I welcome the shedding of old skin, ridding the dust that has settled inbetween the cracks of all the previous years. Despite the overwhlming ache and pain, in the deepest part of my soul, this shedding comes regardless. All these dark layers, the wastelands that are uncovered, they are the fuel for a beautiful propulsion through an opening in the veil. I gratefully, achefully, painfully, knee-deep and drowing, wade through it all. I don’t want to go back to the other side, the side faded of the truth of me. So I let the vapor overtake and permeate, the ghosts care not to stay here in this atmosphere. This valley I look out into and walk through is for the greatest reason and that greatest reason is always for LOVE…a love beyond the limitations of our human mind. It starts within! A deeper, slow growing seed, watered for longer than a millennia, or more, and often again and again!

The poem is not necessarily speaking of the field I have been in. And yet is so true to form in my writing. Multiple layers weaved through simple words as the humaness of me and the spiritual inner knowing of me soaks into and colors the pages. I never see it until later afte r the writing is down on the page.

This morning during my walk I realized how much I miss the poetess in me. I feel more beautiful, as if she is the only truth to me, but I know I am she and she is me! I am many parts of a whole…some parts lay stilled, far away, seperated from me/she (That is a longer story!)

Anyway, this morning during my walk I knew I needed to bring back my breath, open my heart again, break free from self-imposed chains of expectations that have failed to come true. So after my walk, when sharing space with my granddaugter and one of my beautiful daughters, we sat quiet as the music played. I was relaxed and at peace, content for the gentle moment. I could feel the energy building, the words daring to writhe to the surface. A hunger…a knowing

Music is a muse that manifests poetry from a deep place in me. I always feel I am reminisceing of earlier lifetimes when writing. Often I stare out the window and let the sound move through me. That is just the dancer in me…lost in the rythmn and it was in that moment, lost for a few seconds, that suddenly a flash of blue and red flew by my window. And there they were, the cardinal and the blue jay, stilled, as if time stopped or at least slowed, wings wide spread, chest to chest, a beautiful war, a beautiful dance…

And, so very reminiscent of the many shades and shapes of us, my love!

 

rough…

 

lines feathered and muted

rough art inside me anymore

uncertainty blankets my heart

I don’t really fucking care anymore (I try to convince myself)

running sounds sane

yet I won’t escape

I’ve tried to exhale

waiting to be delivered from

every thought and feeling…

yes

no

I feel

I don’t

I don’t fucking care (silence is convincing me)

leave

love

lie

wtf ever

 

 

 

 

 

deadly…

expectations;

rather you didn’t settle here

you only keep me far from abundance

my opened heart; understands

far beyond earthly limitations

deadly this mind;

3D prisoner

 

 

F. D. I. L .Y…

one day you will understand

until then I’ll just drown in music

let my soul float away

slip away

become a cast away

from the rest of the world

in tiny little increments

inbetween the flittering voices and the base beats

its peeling away the dirt

  sweet escape from the grime

 from the breathing in of normalcy…

 

Fuck

Darling

I love you…

 

resting…

I am molting
I have no responsivity
this process aches my heart
my words
limit possibility
and my skin
thin and fragile
tears with each letter unwritten
do you know this longing
hiding inside you
my plumes formed
bumps under flesh
waiting to spread
breaking in the dark
pleasure in light
impart summation
we desired whole…
his resting place
to breathe
a sacred mooring
nearer still
 
 
 

    an ageless thing…

    we spoke of age
    and its
    inconsistent
    measure
    young
    old
    truely I believe you 
    it doesn’t matter
    it is such an ageless thing
    a concept only formed to fit 
    the rule-makers design
    oft in the mind of the 
    passionless and disenchated
    I, having been one
    my own victim 
    to my own murderess ways
    minimizing my potency
    I lost my way for a long while
    yet I’m awakened
    ageless
    finding my way back to me

    There once was a man…
    who wanted me

    til death steals…

    cannot fathom such touch anymore
    its meaning slit and deleted 
    gone 
    dissipated
    desire
    in the h0urs, days, months
    lost track 
    what is like anymore
    in between the heat of thighs
    moans and sighs loitering no longer
    her youth stolen
    her prime unwanted 
    do they find pleasure in wasting her
    no understanding of their inner working 
    perhaps she has known all along
    the poetry of being used
    tossed aside
    wasted 
    unwanted
    unloved
    so offensive is she? deserving?
    and yet she burns evermore
    burn baby burn
    Til death upon death 
    steals this soul’s fire 

    I have forgotten…

    I have forgotten this thing
    this thing called breathing
    what it’s like to lay
    effortless
    easy
    unaware 
    unaffected…

    I have fogotten this thing
    this thing called comfort 
    what its like to be wrapped
    safely tucked in
    warm
    weatherproofed
    protected…

    I have forgotten this thing
    this thing called forgetting
    forgetting to forget
    your color
    your beauty
    your reflection
    sound of every word you’ve written…

    I have forgotten this thing
    this thing called L (cursor blinking)

    no! I haven’t forgotten
    *erases that line

    I don’t know this thing
    this thing called

    …LOVE…