breath wasted…

kill me in the evers
this worthless heart
anymore
I am spent
upended
no longer care 
I am slit too much
just strips of rotting red…

am I
I am not fine
nor good
smiling hurts
my heart 
in love’s fuckery hell…

Foolish  (yes I am)
beautiful breath wasted
on for those
who could give a fuck

Advertisements

why the things of it…this

Its delirium 
anymore
reckless 
mistreating your own heart
why do you tolerate (whispers to self)
…so tired of being stolen 
only to be left abandoned 
why is it always
this…
my worthlessness
smeared on every page
why is it
so attractive 
to come
then watch me
shatter
bleed 
every fucking drop
of substance
what is wrong with me
why am I here…

ice cream not my first choice…

Sometimes
you need 
an escape
such as 
mind-blowing 
sex
or Thai food
or even
something simple
like a cup of 
jamocha almond 
fudge ice cream…

had to settle 
for the latter

was not  
my first choice

9:46 am confession…just another useless waterfall

I stand here questioning
every word of my slient voice
written to the heart of pages

what if my mouth is permanently numb
And I can’t skin you with my tongue

I claim to have this capacity to love
But what if it’s a lie? 
What if I am a lie?
What if I am not real ?
Am I only pretend?
just a fucked up aberration 
or typicality 
unwanted middle aged drab
aging perfumed water
my head spins straight to my core
my heart breaks every minute
in every beat
62 this last minute
splits in two chambers
or eight
Or 64
Unmeasurable hairline fractures

a two headed monster 
what if its always been the dominate Me 
repeated play of hurtful things

I keep seeking self torture
so very little recovery anyway 
so just hurt me
and hurt 
And hurt 
me over again 

never really have I been loved
a proper beautiful thing
only golden threads turn to rust
crushed in hands of would be lovers

Am I this unfeeling dumb bitch 
undeserving
sick and twisted
for my indiscretions   
All those years ago
weak and fettered 
lost girl 
finding and thinking
love between her thighs

how have I become this nothing of force 
just shattered mess of dark red glass
picking up droplets from the dirt
sandy grit having changed my shape 
my edges unable to fit together

incapable blend
sweet wicked berry juice
inproper fraction sips
incomplete whole

what actions
measures have I taken
keep swallowing
to seek and self destroy

Please don’t do it 
don’t destroy
I beg 
I beg 
my pauper cries out
A beggar for something
not ever certain
anymore

I am only good to avoid
as I hold stick glue
trying adhere substance to water

everything of my being
is really unremarkable 
for their absence tells me so

this dark breath sighs
and life I let run over me 
surrender 
let it interpret my outcome

take me
notice or not
numb or too emotional 
love or hate
what am I anyway
but a twitch easily flicked away
a decayed rose 
green thorn inbetween 
third and fourth rib
perhaps fire dying 
and water stilling
try to burn to rise
fail to drown to feel

everything
I am or not
as ever uncertain

yet even more so now
split and splayed 
fileted 
before
you

cold blues of Monday …

a dreadful day already
before its barely wakes  
feeling raw 
clothed in unrest
no golden rays shining through 
no clouds unveil 
or bow or surrender to part 
ocean waves and sea swells 
swallowing the sweet from my heart
washing me in shades of blue 
I can only drown in cold waters today
feel the silence of his touch
consider he’s perfectly content
to be in lack of me