oceans of you….

quell this sea 

in my heart and in my head

raging

this sea

ever present

pulling me under 

you carry me out again

leave me

drowning

in lifetimes and oceans of you

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a wildness honing…

I have lived a lifetime in this last year. I am aged and I am split into versions of me. I’m letting go of the old to clear way for the new, yet I have deep ties to the older version of me that I won’t…can’t unthether.  Not that anyone is asking or expecting me to. Some things I must hold and carry with me, which I am gloriously happy to do so.

The next steps I take are a sensitive matter…this path requiring a delicate balance. I must trust my ability, spread love farther, deeper than ever I’ve chance. I am willing! I am willing to experience life rather than be in it. To fling wide my heart and paint my passion, rest and withdraw when necessary, ride the waves of emotions, trust my inner-knowing and LOVE from the deepest depths within me. I am willing to live, never having not love with grace and beauty,

This is a pivotal point, a portent, a masterpiece emerging, a wildness honing…

less beautifully lived…

The years are evident
the way they conformed to her spine 
the crows feet a reminder of the desert floor she’s been walking through
Her mouth now withered 
the smile faded
the glint in her eyes dying out
she is invisible
touching each one
her magic preformed in fast motion
as each one passes by 
with their gorgeousperfumed skin
taking air with them
stepping in time with fate
and her head bows once again 
at a life less beautifully lived
her aging hands bending 
beyond her control
a deep breath catches in her throat
 as she chokes on sorrow
her lip never ceasing to catch the ocean
spilling from her eyes

in glance of a photograph…

it is in a glance of you
my heart entranced
an unknown ocean swells
inside my chest 
underneath my ribs
rushing surf in my ears
epicenter of my heart
I wonder could I 
love like love should
more than now
any deeper
and why this way
and in this now
and you
yet still why would I 
imagine in limitation
think I do not fit your design 
or perhaps feel I am somehow 
faulted in meaning
am I not essential
why should I relegate 
I am not less than or 
culminate feels of a lesser thing
this soul is beyond comprehension 
unfathomable in ability
carries unknown space
Ageless in timelessness 
and yet, here
in this moment
I am her 
and she, me
in existence 
breathing you 
this love
of an ancient
and of a yet born…

and all in a glance
of a photograph 

of implications darling…

I have not found an hour
in which thoughts 
have not drift 
to the sun of you
burning my mind
heart aglow and fiery
lighted over the seconds collected
raining us in heaven’s gold
forgiveness and salvation in length 
lovers stretch far across the night
reflected in midnighted moons
when did I realize that expanse of you
and this skin I’ve been wearing 
undesired
hiding the complexion of underneath 
salacious deep 
come shed me
to shed me of faded oceans
shed the old to reborn stars
understand this implication
of love existing
yet not in dreams 
rather persistent & real
let the measured 
dimensions of you
harbored in the place
before me
stay as is
beautiful framework 
of past lives left lived…
enter as otherworldly 
a bold unknown
do not deny I beg 
nor falter love

breath wasted…

kill me in the evers
this worthless heart
anymore
I am spent
upended
no longer care 
I am slit too much
just strips of rotting red…

am I
I am not fine
nor good
smiling hurts
my heart 
in love’s fuckery hell…

Foolish  (yes I am)
beautiful breath wasted
on for those
who could give a fuck

9:46 am confession…just another useless waterfall

I stand here questioning
every word of my slient voice
written to the heart of pages

what if my mouth is permanently numb
And I can’t skin you with my tongue

I claim to have this capacity to love
But what if it’s a lie? 
What if I am a lie?
What if I am not real ?
Am I only pretend?
just a fucked up aberration 
or typicality 
unwanted middle aged drab
aging perfumed water
my head spins straight to my core
my heart breaks every minute
in every beat
62 this last minute
splits in two chambers
or eight
Or 64
Unmeasurable hairline fractures

a two headed monster 
what if its always been the dominate Me 
repeated play of hurtful things

I keep seeking self torture
so very little recovery anyway 
so just hurt me
and hurt 
And hurt 
me over again 

never really have I been loved
a proper beautiful thing
only golden threads turn to rust
crushed in hands of would be lovers

Am I this unfeeling dumb bitch 
undeserving
sick and twisted
for my indiscretions   
All those years ago
weak and fettered 
lost girl 
finding and thinking
love between her thighs

how have I become this nothing of force 
just shattered mess of dark red glass
picking up droplets from the dirt
sandy grit having changed my shape 
my edges unable to fit together

incapable blend
sweet wicked berry juice
inproper fraction sips
incomplete whole

what actions
measures have I taken
keep swallowing
to seek and self destroy

Please don’t do it 
don’t destroy
I beg 
I beg 
my pauper cries out
A beggar for something
not ever certain
anymore

I am only good to avoid
as I hold stick glue
trying adhere substance to water

everything of my being
is really unremarkable 
for their absence tells me so

this dark breath sighs
and life I let run over me 
surrender 
let it interpret my outcome

take me
notice or not
numb or too emotional 
love or hate
what am I anyway
but a twitch easily flicked away
a decayed rose 
green thorn inbetween 
third and fourth rib
perhaps fire dying 
and water stilling
try to burn to rise
fail to drown to feel

everything
I am or not
as ever uncertain

yet even more so now
split and splayed 
fileted 
before
you

colors under my skin…

I never stop becoming M
rather I evolve 
into something beyond
the me I am now
continuing flow of rushing colors
rare culmination of many 
I do not wish to claim a singularity
rather a collage of all; of many
…of those that have touched me
for if you have found your way to me
know I have gathered your essence
pushed your colors under my skin
to blend
melt into me
to become essential to my entirety
and when you leave
(for you all find a reason to leave me)
know I love you
I carry you still…

pretending…numbing fear

when all I am fights to resist this
this urge to give into my whim
I don’t want to stop my dive into you 
wading to turn this numb into churn
yet as these waves rise
I capture them in my mouth
shove them backdown down my throat
fear you may not want to taste my salt
that my grit may rub you roughly
so wrongly I cloak my intensity
hating every minute
I don’t waterfall over you
cringe at my pretending
and why I keep you far
Safe (harming us) at a distance 
but I hate not saturating you 
washing you in me
and intently empty myself of my flavor
so I don’t have to  fear
that you won’t come to savor
yet, all I want of you is to come 
I fear having everything 
and nothing of you 
either way
these parts of my whole
tremble and mourn 
sinking into a deeper numbing ache
waiting for more better of you
fear having nothing more of you
fear you coming more into me
fear you leaving
of never having you…

of only remaining in numbness

or… is it 

…I feel too much of everything 

she…deletable 

comes striking
erotically wicked
be their sensuous beings
kissing delirium
deliveries ever pressed
against her heart
senseless creature
she be 
lays pages
burning useless flames
until charred paper remains
swept up 
tossed to the winds 
apparitions fade away
only ever erasable 
ever deletable
she to them be 
so too
their claim
to love