I found out today…well about 43 minutes ago a beautiful muse, my catalyst to start writing; circa 2012 is not the man I thought of him to be.
There is a beautiful sadness to this truth. A chapter left unwritten 7 years ago. It’s a God thing really. A gift I clearly see. I was protected all those years ago. Beauty of God’s protection despite the heartaches endured of all involved, I am cloaked with a bittersweet awe! I now have that final piece of closure…last piece finally played. End game.
I pray God favors him and showers him with love and mercy. Pray his family heals from what they have and are going through.
To you, my catalyst muse, I carry parts of you with me; always. Thank you for our experience. I would not be where I am today.
With a knowing of love that endures, may you find it on this earth for you and your loved ones once again.
I spoke with no real understanding. How hollow it all seems now…my words thin, like cold breath, holding no warmth or substance, worthless vapor in the end.
His haunted truth, his complexity, a foreign life somewhere woven in the space between the words screaming, “experience”, “intelligence”, “life lived!”
I guess they’re comfortable, words connected, lying there in all their shades of blue & black, some gorgeously red & flecked with golden shimmer. All nestled in a rectangles, 2D scopes hardly worthy of his brilliant bulge.
I am triggered..felled…pale…
I fear I am still what I was/have been all these years. A colorless winter scene. Just a lackluster pile of remains. Life’s blood barely flowing beneath a frozen ground
and still, therein lies no bloom
I am awakened
softer behind theses closed moments
dreaming in sunlight
dangling from leaves
the wind against my skin
reminiscent of your distant sound
I think of you kneeling in the brilliance
of stained glass & candlelight
like holy fire brushed against my lips
mingle with my breath
eternity burns inside my sighs
Am I of any measure inside your field
what shall I do for you my beautiful love
shall I ever convince you of me
inside this resevoir of me
our stars rooted
Where a faint heartbeat lingers
I am torn by this starting and stopping
perhaps his lover once or for a thousand lifetimes
only silence again repeating
my lost song of another eternity
I no longer exist
a sequence of moments
I fear my darling
we fail to become
Spare me not from summer’s burn…memories alive underneath my skin
I am but a flower trying to bloom in winter’s end
…a life too late to live
there…there is where beauty never wanes
and illusion found discarded
barbed is the language of human hearts
tumbled and bare skinned
rehearsed in risk
“there is no pretense to my breathing
or its mere seconds of suspension
when I feel you well up within me…”
There is no other that I choose, and yet how can I live the rest of my years here with a cold loneliness, a void hidden deep within. I, in constant flux of this living and dying. It is like a thousand thieves steal my gentleness and I rage for extraodinary…these winged words fly away and remain uncaptured by him
this fucking desire for you
more than I want and never ever enough
…the ruin and making of me
…to have you
quell this sea
in my heart and in my head
pulling me under
you carry me out again
in lifetimes and oceans of you