a closing ache…

I should have made coffee instead of exploring. I saw it today…how eerily close to the truth I was of that weekend. My concern or fear then was realized. I suppose from another’s 3D viewpoint they could easily described how hopeless it all is. I know it is not that I am not enough (although it is hard to not feel that I am) rather, it’s more like not the human vision of what is desired. I have been hopeful but now it seems pointless to hold hope of incredible love. It exists!…that soulful love, yet some are just not meant to have the tangible experience. I feel this overwhelming sadness attached to my thoughts. How can I say I am defeated when I carry this beautiful ability to love deeply?  But I do…I feel so very defeated. Every chance of love has slipped through my fingers. This wretched ache in my heart and my throat…tiny tears become so heavy within.

So many goodbyes…

I am exhausted of them and my heart begins to slowly close

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once existing…

distance stars

where my heart lays in midnight

halcyon light so far off

once stealing my breath

where I fell

unknown and beating

once again

here I am

this faltering voice

laying haunted in silent dust

where erasure begins..

 I  existed

 founded

 loved once

 

 

rough…

 

lines feathered and muted

rough art inside me anymore

uncertainty blankets my heart

I don’t really fucking care anymore (I try to convince myself)

running sounds sane

yet I won’t escape

I’ve tried to exhale

waiting to be delivered from

every thought and feeling…

yes

no

I feel

I don’t

I don’t fucking care (silence is convincing me)

leave

love

lie

wtf ever

 

 

 

 

 

cut…

it is moments as these

I am falling further away

felled pile of ruins

my chest caves and my heart unstiches itself

every stretch mark across my womb aches

a reminder of love carried

yet emptied is the state of me

when am I not failing

when will I become worthwhile

long is my life still to live

and far too long to be nothing beautifully measured

  only ever cut by everyone

deadly…

expectations;

rather you didn’t settle here

you only keep me far from abundance

my opened heart; understands

far beyond earthly limitations

deadly this mind;

3D prisoner

 

 

worn…

it doesn’t matter anymore

my heart is worn

weary in battle

I have me to love me

but it is the worst heartache

to endure and recover from

and now knowing all these years wasted

because in the end you have no control

other than to caress your own hand

wipe away your own tears

whisper to yourself

“I am here!”

some were just never meant to be loved by another…

the question I ask myself

“Can I live with such a reality?”

than I answer myself

“you already are!”

F. D. I. L .Y…

one day you will understand

until then I’ll just drown in music

let my soul float away

slip away

become a cast away

from the rest of the world

in tiny little increments

inbetween the flittering voices and the base beats

its peeling away the dirt

  sweet escape from the grime

 from the breathing in of normalcy…

 

Fuck

Darling

I love you…

 

an ageless thing…

we spoke of age
and its
inconsistent
measure
young
old
truely I believe you 
it doesn’t matter
it is such an ageless thing
a concept only formed to fit 
the rule-makers design
oft in the mind of the 
passionless and disenchated
I, having been one
my own victim 
to my own murderess ways
minimizing my potency
I lost my way for a long while
yet I’m awakened
ageless
finding my way back to me

There once was a man…
who wanted me