a closing ache…

I should have made coffee instead of exploring. I saw it today…how eerily close to the truth I was of that weekend. My concern or fear then was realized. I suppose from another’s 3D viewpoint they could easily described how hopeless it all is. I know it is not that I am not enough (although it is hard to not feel that I am) rather, it’s more like not the human vision of what is desired. I have been hopeful but now it seems pointless to hold hope of incredible love. It exists!…that soulful love, yet some are just not meant to have the tangible experience. I feel this overwhelming sadness attached to my thoughts. How can I say I am defeated when I carry this beautiful ability to love deeply?  But I do…I feel so very defeated. Every chance of love has slipped through my fingers. This wretched ache in my heart and my throat…tiny tears become so heavy within.

So many goodbyes…

I am exhausted of them and my heart begins to slowly close

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an unraveling and eating dust of dying light

I see it now

colors of evidence

screaming goodbye

I am slit and fading

drained

quickly becoming a no-thing

everything I feel

I can’t speak

there is no language

designed of this world

to speak of me

I am unraveling

a pile of disheveled threads

and slip into death

another pointed star

embedded in my heart

a burden bleeding

staring at the edge of love

eating dust of my dying light

settling in cracks

and the jackals pace…

smelling my decay

waiting for my last breath

 

 

once existing…

distance stars

where my heart lays in midnight

halcyon light so far off

once stealing my breath

where I fell

unknown and beating

once again

here I am

this faltering voice

laying haunted in silent dust

where erasure begins..

 I  existed

 founded

 loved once

 

 

cut…

it is moments as these

I am falling further away

felled pile of ruins

my chest caves and my heart unstiches itself

every stretch mark across my womb aches

a reminder of love carried

yet emptied is the state of me

when am I not failing

when will I become worthwhile

long is my life still to live

and far too long to be nothing beautifully measured

  only ever cut by everyone

deadly…

expectations;

rather you didn’t settle here

you only keep me far from abundance

my opened heart; understands

far beyond earthly limitations

deadly this mind;

3D prisoner

 

 

worn…

it doesn’t matter anymore

my heart is worn

weary in battle

I have me to love me

but it is the worst heartache

to endure and recover from

and now knowing all these years wasted

because in the end you have no control

other than to caress your own hand

wipe away your own tears

whisper to yourself

“I am here!”

some were just never meant to be loved by another…

the question I ask myself

“Can I live with such a reality?”

than I answer myself

“you already are!”

til death steals…

cannot fathom such touch anymore
its meaning slit and deleted 
gone 
dissipated
desire
in the h0urs, days, months
lost track 
what is like anymore
in between the heat of thighs
moans and sighs loitering no longer
her youth stolen
her prime unwanted 
do they find pleasure in wasting her
no understanding of their inner working 
perhaps she has known all along
the poetry of being used
tossed aside
wasted 
unwanted
unloved
so offensive is she? deserving?
and yet she burns evermore
burn baby burn
Til death upon death 
steals this soul’s fire 

I have forgotten…

I have forgotten this thing
this thing called breathing
what it’s like to lay
effortless
easy
unaware 
unaffected…

I have fogotten this thing
this thing called comfort 
what its like to be wrapped
safely tucked in
warm
weatherproofed
protected…

I have forgotten this thing
this thing called forgetting
forgetting to forget
your color
your beauty
your reflection
sound of every word you’ve written…

I have forgotten this thing
this thing called L (cursor blinking)

no! I haven’t forgotten
*erases that line

I don’t know this thing
this thing called

…LOVE…

atom & cell…

more than anything 
as she becomes further matter
as she is more dissected 
thinned
finer
defined particles 
these atom & cell
more the less chance 
of breathing 
combing into he
She is feeling loss
an end before beginning 
to become he & she 
A Whole…