once existing…

distance stars

where my heart lays in midnight

halcyon light so far off

once stealing my breath

where I fell

unknown and beating

once again

here I am

this faltering voice

laying haunted in silent dust

where erasure begins..

 I  existed

 founded

 loved once

 

 

chrysalis

What calls me
to take my mind away
I don’t recognize anything inside me anymore
this displacement of air
heaviness in my chest
I still breathe
yet weariness is my shade
black and blue
magenta
I,
no longer in the know of my body
twists and turns
lock me up
steal my former curves
maybe I am the pupa
dreaming of blooms in the wild field
freedom is blurred in this praire wind
the sun still finds me
golden tongue warms my skin
traces the skeleton of my wings
rememebering me
yet becoming me…
transforming breath
chrysalis

spread…

I was never anything

so murderous

until i slipped out of my clothes

gently fell each piece to the floor

bare and daring

I gave myself

over and again

again and again

whatever I was looking for

it never came

with pink lips and

breathless sighs

I was never anything

as murderous as me!

 

 

 

random writing…

*often I just sit and start writing. Letting the words come with no intention of making a  point. I refer to it as waterfall of words, emotions, etc,…just letting it flow and end where it may. This is such a post. LOL

We often come to a crossroads in our life and there are years where we can linger in the dirt. Arid is our atmosphere and we toil under the sun, watching for the storms brewing in the distance, chant for rain, pray for reprieve. Sometimes there is nothing in our field of vision, nor words that soften our land. Storms come and we lay unprotected, pelted and left raw in the elements. In those years sometimes we are called upon to lay dormant, be patient and wait.  We don’t always listen though and we create more negative energy that takes even longer to heal from. I have been at that crossroads for quite sometime. Mired in my pain and grasping at unhealthy doors that have brought delay and more heartache. Awhile back I screamed for mercy. I began to let go of expectations, yet still my mind, so use to creating them, I still desire certain outcomes and with that comes disappointment.  I know healing has begun and it has taken me awhile to adjust to the light, to see color beyond the gray, and definitely a little more heartache has come along the pathway.

You  may notice my writing has been sparce and strange. It too seems foreign to myself, weird and almost plain in comparison to what I have been writing for the last couple of years. Part of me is mourning that ache and beauty of lost love and the dark writing. For a long time I had felt quite beautiful in my pain. Perhaps that exploration of my dark side was/is the lesson. I needed to dive and stay growing in my hurt and pain, and at times,  in misery to understand my duality (yin and yang). To awaken to the light that has always been inside of me. This is not to say my dark is no longer, quite the opposite, I still feel it wanting to surface, to be heard, but I think it is part of my ego screaming for attention. I am certain dark will remain in parts of my writing. It is just a part of understanding the human psyche, consciously though I am choosing not to stay in the dark.

I am moving forward, i feel at this moment with limited visibility, yet with trust and faith that where I am headed is where I am meant to go, be, become. It is not without separation  or heartache, and loss though… I am aware and understand this strong pull to leap though. I recognize also that dark and light are both beauty deep within my soul and live inbetween here and there

M

12:12 a.m. confession…

There was man who wrote erotic tweets. He was quite beautiful in words and he dm’d me a few times. We had exchanged poetry and conversations. The he disappeared for quite awhile. Until his alter twitter, which wrote beautifully erotic things too, had found my alter twitter. We had no idea who the other was until he dm’d me in the alter versions of ourselves. Of course he use very much the same type of M O. I giggled, letting him know I knew exactly who he was…I made him guess who I was in a quite amusing way by dropping hints. Laughingly sad he had not an f-ing clue who I was. I eventually told him. He only dm’d one or two more times after that, which I was totally ok that he didn’t hang around. Some people have no staying power nor loyalty. So tonight I am sitting here thinking about the last couple of years and thinking of my social media writing experiences, why this instance popped into my mind… I have no idea! Yet now, I am thinking what are the chances of that happening? Twice in the different versions of myself he came along. Apparently he didn’t find it such an extaordinary thing… 

less beautifully lived…

The years are evident
the way they conformed to her spine 
the crows feet a reminder of the desert floor she’s been walking through
Her mouth now withered 
the smile faded
the glint in her eyes dying out
she is invisible
touching each one
her magic preformed in fast motion
as each one passes by 
with their gorgeousperfumed skin
taking air with them
stepping in time with fate
and her head bows once again 
at a life less beautifully lived
her aging hands bending 
beyond her control
a deep breath catches in her throat
 as she chokes on sorrow
her lip never ceasing to catch the ocean
spilling from her eyes

a killing kind…

every word dissolves
leaving an empty page
substance starved of clarity 
lacking and uninspired 
no forms 
no signature
to derive pleasure
wind is the result
of failing wings
and silence 
is an oxymoron
you are just 
one more murderer 
injected into my blood

rupture…

I can’t be here
not as this 
too many drops
per square inch
in this storm

I splatter 
falling to earth
left run off water
into the gutter

that’s where it takes me
everything I feel
in the dankest place
dark and dirty
sewer swallows my hope

I am ruptured
nothing to gather
except blood in hand
unfashionable to taste
dry this rusted color 
burden hued
heaviness in your hand
simply wash it away
scrub hard…

yet particles of me will only remain
as you shake dry your hand
wipe it across your chest
parts of me absorb into you
pretend I am nothing once again…

but for a breath of a moment 
I was more…

more than nothing
yet not enough 
to be more…
not enough to be
more than anything 
but ruptured metallic
bits

Don’t search for me…I’m too lost in music

goodbye
He is where I want to travel
away from here
don’t search for me
you aren’t in the music I seek
and that which I seek
is an unwritten score
I surrender too often
but what a waste of my love
tell the gods 
let me let you go 
I Am Heart Deficiency 
why should I keep going 
painting a fucking masquerade 
at the point of hating
this beautiful heart of mine
forming me into a killer bitch 
when all I crave is a beautiful love 
I am too much for you
I am all LOVE