Currere…

there…there is where beauty never wanes

and illusion found discarded

barbed is the language of human hearts

tumbled and bare skinned 

rehearsed in risk

and still…

she opens 

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extrodinary within her ordinary day…

“there is no pretense to my breathing

or its mere seconds of suspension

when I feel you well up within me…”

 

There is no other that I choose, and yet how can I live the rest of my years here with a cold loneliness, a void hidden deep within. I, in constant flux of this living and dying. It is like a thousand thieves steal my gentleness and I rage for extraodinary…these winged words fly away and remain uncaptured by him

 

some kind of wonderful…

I am not breathing

existing

to convince you of me

you already know my darling

I consider where we lay our minds

what our hearts have experienced

this unfolding is worthy

worthy to be written of

spoken of

experienced

yet I am only one third

one strand, plaited

I am one star in your sky of a thousand

a spec of real blooming in a field of illusion

but look at me here

perhaps I am trying

trying to convince you of me

but you already know…

remember me

my love

 

This did not come out as I wanted. I think some parts of me still choose to be hidden. I am not even certain what I was starting to write, or what any of this means, other than I just started writing (but that is typical of my writing process) I believe the seeds are still germinating. Roots are in my heart but the blooms, the stems, the leaves are all sleeping under the surface.

Sunday is a day of rest for me. A day I live under no expectations or duty. I just simply slip into comfort, create this nurturing womb, breathe free, write a river, cry an ocean, laugh and sing a garden. It is beauty evolving and the dying of old layers. I am learning to love myself, take care of this beautiful body that has brought me this far. She deserves to be taken care of and once I put aside all the lies of my mind, I am becoming what I was meant to all along. I am opening…

I have a found a soul family of those who understand what I am currently going through. Putting a voice to this excruciating yet beautful transformation has been so very helpful. I wish I could say I am past all my fears and just write about what I experiencing, but I am not quite there yet. Although, I am clearer now, more certain of myself and my path, and I am living in the moment, just enjoying what is here within me, around me, from me, at any given moment. This doesn’t mean I don’t have dreams or desires, because, OH MY…my desires, my dreams are strong and gorgeously painted in my heart. It just means I am more than ever before in a fantastic place to realize those dreams and desires.

And for the moment, all is well with my soul while I wait. I am in some kind of wonderful…

 

 

somewhere where words remain silent…

I am fathomed wreakage

brevity in deep water

Perhaps to some it is perfectly suitable to stay drowed in this reality

and leave the unknown to better souls

but Fuck that!

I am life times ten thousands more

ransom breath of divine’s beauty

the kind you could inhale and leave you

uncertain of gentle stings

wondering the softness of honey

I am more simple if only one is open to it

complexity is only imagined

when one doesn’t care to explore

lazy love doesn’t exist

love is love

or it isn’t…

 

 

 

 

a closing ache…

I should have made coffee instead of exploring. I saw it today…how eerily close to the truth I was of that weekend. My concern or fear then was realized. I suppose from another’s 3D viewpoint they could easily described how hopeless it all is. I know it is not that I am not enough (although it is hard to not feel that I am) rather, it’s more like not the human vision of what is desired. I have been hopeful but now it seems pointless to hold hope of incredible love. It exists!…that soulful love, yet some are just not meant to have the tangible experience. I feel this overwhelming sadness attached to my thoughts. How can I say I am defeated when I carry this beautiful ability to love deeply?  But I do…I feel so very defeated. Every chance of love has slipped through my fingers. This wretched ache in my heart and my throat…tiny tears become so heavy within.

So many goodbyes…

I am exhausted of them and my heart begins to slowly close

only here lays countenance…

she is not less

because you don’t

acknowledge her

such a difficult mountain to stare at

such an overwhelming climb

she is just about there

almost to the summit

to greet the sun

which feeds her light to be love and give warmth

for that which she too is deserving

her weak voice and hard will

whispers thank you’s for

all the empty spaces

you’ve placed her in

for how could she discover

she is more than your silence

more than than the dust and

smeared fingerprints on sensitive glass

her prayer to be loved

to love as an all consuming fire

the countenance of pure love

still unanswered…

 

one day

someone unafraid and unburdened 

 fully realized her worth and willingly

risked everything he ever knew to live

wholly & completely loved by her…

and it was beautiful

 

(or so the insane story goes…)

 

War to love…

I use to think I needed to reach a certain place to be defined as successful, but I have move beyond those thoughts. I choose to not remain in a certain place, nor plant my feet on any plateau, nor assume I am completed pieces of a put-together-puzzle! Life is evolution, ever in motion, in a constant state of flux, a river snaked to the ocean, evaporation to rain, of storms and swells, lapping tides, rushing and crashing, to calming ebb and flow.

I willingly dive into life’s waters, yet it is not always an easy choice. Even seemingly safe waters are decieving, distances are skewed, the shallows are not necessarily safe, and a deeper depth just may save you…what appears to be, is not always what is. To live is to risk! Evanesce of pain and hurt requires change, requires one to rage war within, requires an acceptance of dark to find light, to search bloody battlefields of self to find love, to love oneself and to love others.

To become love is my choosing and it  has been so very hard these past few years to be open to change, to brave the heartwrenching pain that comes from stretching beyond self-imposed thresholds, so that I may peel back layers, dismantle the metal armor, tear rancid flesh from my bones lying in blood and dust,  just to expose the very core of my existence. I am full of scars, and still tend to the cuts bleeding…self-love does rage against self-hate. Yet, how precious my spirit, my soul, willing to risk all that I created, everything desirable and undesireable, all that I have known, to become more than a statistic, more than a label, more than my sex, more than my physical body, more than someone else’s measure of my worth.

And where does all this leave me? Still willing! Trusting this moment to lead me into the next moment, to guide me from novice to mastery…through war…to love

 

❤ M