some kind of wonderful…

I am not breathing

existing

to convince you of me

you already know my darling

I consider where we lay our minds

what our hearts have experienced

this unfolding is worthy

worthy to be written of

spoken of

experienced

yet I am only one third

one strand, plaited

I am one star in your sky of a thousand

a spec of real blooming in a field of illusion

but look at me here

perhaps I am trying

trying to convince you of me

but you already know…

remember me

my love

 

This did not come out as I wanted. I think some parts of me still choose to be hidden. I am not even certain what I was starting to write, or what any of this means, other than I just started writing (but that is typical of my writing process) I believe the seeds are still germinating. Roots are in my heart but the blooms, the stems, the leaves are all sleeping under the surface.

Sunday is a day of rest for me. A day I live under no expectations or duty. I just simply slip into comfort, create this nurturing womb, breathe free, write a river, cry an ocean, laugh and sing a garden. It is beauty evolving and the dying of old layers. I am learning to love myself, take care of this beautiful body that has brought me this far. She deserves to be taken care of and once I put aside all the lies of my mind, I am becoming what I was meant to all along. I am opening…

I have a found a soul family of those who understand what I am currently going through. Putting a voice to this excruciating yet beautful transformation has been so very helpful. I wish I could say I am past all my fears and just write about what I experiencing, but I am not quite there yet. Although, I am clearer now, more certain of myself and my path, and I am living in the moment, just enjoying what is here within me, around me, from me, at any given moment. This doesn’t mean I don’t have dreams or desires, because, OH MY…my desires, my dreams are strong and gorgeously painted in my heart. It just means I am more than ever before in a fantastic place to realize those dreams and desires.

And for the moment, all is well with my soul while I wait. I am in some kind of wonderful…

 

 

Advertisements

meditation…

I am already inward
everything I am to know
I have birthed
I am breathing
to go outward 
is to step into illusion
is to block fluidity
is to deny my soul’s experience
my soul’s existence
inner-knowing
is to be potentiality
the center point of experience
unexpectant
unencumbered

 

this gentle stillness
this knowing
this love
I am; experience

 

a wildness honing…

I have lived a lifetime in this last year. I am aged and I am split into versions of me. I’m letting go of the old to clear way for the new, yet I have deep ties to the older version of me that I won’t…can’t unthether.  Not that anyone is asking or expecting me to. Some things I must hold and carry with me, which I am gloriously happy to do so.

The next steps I take are a sensitive matter…this path requiring a delicate balance. I must trust my ability, spread love farther, deeper than ever I’ve chance. I am willing! I am willing to experience life rather than be in it. To fling wide my heart and paint my passion, rest and withdraw when necessary, ride the waves of emotions, trust my inner-knowing and LOVE from the deepest depths within me. I am willing to live, never having not love with grace and beauty,

This is a pivotal point, a portent, a masterpiece emerging, a wildness honing…

undefining love…

I am passing into this knowing…

unapologetically wild

 ever is my love alame

never to change nor dissipate

 birthed immortal

from a distance unleashed

illuminating unexpectedly

alchemical and fluent

an artistry becoming

unending

burning pure and sweetly

this force unclaimed

 meant for others

may they draw breath from me

stroking a willingness

to move beyond

the reticent settlement

of their heart…

may I always be giving of this beautiful gift

may I always faithfully and fully comprehend it

may I never be ashamed of my heart

may I never expect it returned

may I illuminate

LOVE

 

Love is undefineable! So to limit its meaning within the confines of the human mind is butchering love’s ability. If we must measure it, know it is pure and limitless. Anything short of that, know it is love skewed. I have been here before…this place of shame for my ability to love. Sometimes writing poetry speaking of such distorted perception; ultimately placing restrictions out of fear and lack. It has only birthed more fear and lack. To love just to love, without expectation and gain is a constant war of ego and soul. It is very human to be at war with love within. I am learning of love, of loving myself, and letting go of an ideal, and an expectated outcome. I am undefining love!

 

the Red Cardinal and the Blue Jay…

they held time

bending air

if only a few seconds

hovering

the length of their wingspan

chest to chest

wide open and roaring

as if the twisting of flames

to lay claim their truth

an undeniable totem

so beautiful a rare moment…

 and suddenly there we were

you and I

suspended and stilled

secret and lies

truth and clarity

a spiritual silence 

 a warring awakening

…nothing and everything

I have really stepped away from writing for quite sometime now. It’s not an intentional thing, rather I just found myself distant from my writing self. Perhaps I created these heavy barriers!  My fears spoke a little while back, I was paralyzed for a few minutes in the space of a few minutes, and that fear ultimately pushed me into a silence I no longer care to fucking endure. Of course there are more reasons I care not to reveal but let me say it is/has been a rough path I wander. I know now why I have gone this way…I do so for growth, truth, clarity, because it is a necessary process, the kind where towers collaspe, the truth of the weak foundation exposed, the kind where I welcome the shedding of old skin, ridding the dust that has settled inbetween the cracks of all the previous years. Despite the overwhlming ache and pain, in the deepest part of my soul, this shedding comes regardless. All these dark layers, the wastelands that are uncovered, they are the fuel for a beautiful propulsion through an opening in the veil. I gratefully, achefully, painfully, knee-deep and drowing, wade through it all. I don’t want to go back to the other side, the side faded of the truth of me. So I let the vapor overtake and permeate, the ghosts care not to stay here in this atmosphere. This valley I look out into and walk through is for the greatest reason and that greatest reason is always for LOVE…a love beyond the limitations of our human mind. It starts within! A deeper, slow growing seed, watered for longer than a millennia, or more, and often again and again!

The poem is not necessarily speaking of the field I have been in. And yet is so true to form in my writing. Multiple layers weaved through simple words as the humaness of me and the spiritual inner knowing of me soaks into and colors the pages. I never see it until later afte r the writing is down on the page.

This morning during my walk I realized how much I miss the poetess in me. I feel more beautiful, as if she is the only truth to me, but I know I am she and she is me! I am many parts of a whole…some parts lay stilled, far away, seperated from me/she (That is a longer story!)

Anyway, this morning during my walk I knew I needed to bring back my breath, open my heart again, break free from self-imposed chains of expectations that have failed to come true. So after my walk, when sharing space with my granddaugter and one of my beautiful daughters, we sat quiet as the music played. I was relaxed and at peace, content for the gentle moment. I could feel the energy building, the words daring to writhe to the surface. A hunger…a knowing

Music is a muse that manifests poetry from a deep place in me. I always feel I am reminisceing of earlier lifetimes when writing. Often I stare out the window and let the sound move through me. That is just the dancer in me…lost in the rythmn and it was in that moment, lost for a few seconds, that suddenly a flash of blue and red flew by my window. And there they were, the cardinal and the blue jay, stilled, as if time stopped or at least slowed, wings wide spread, chest to chest, a beautiful war, a beautiful dance…

And, so very reminiscent of the many shades and shapes of us, my love!

 

an anniversary…a death…a resurrection

It has been 2 years since registering on WordPress. So it stated in my notifications a few days ago. It hasn’t felt that long ago even with all the pauses I took from writing. Perhaps that is what came to mind (is time relevant?) when I thought about the purpose of my writing. I asked myself if I wanted to keep writing in the same manner, still feel the same pain over and over again, experience the same ache and loneliness wedged inbetween the lines, wake up a few years from now still carrying the heaviness of loss?

I have taken quite a extensive break from writing in the last couple of months. I just stopped feeling inspired! I felt a part of me die! I felt that I had nothing more to say! I felt once again that the same pattern came back to haunt me! And, so I let go! Every once in awhile I worried I would never write again, but writing is inside me, alive and breathing. I lay dormant so I could release the old energy I have carried for a long while now. and in my stillness I suffered, was pummled, torn and cut, cried, mourned, died a thousand deaths, but not without reason, not without purpose. The dark night of the shadow is very true. My moon groaned…my sun dimmed…ego death is so very hard to embrace.

So I am here again, without expectation. A resurrection? Well, not the old shadow self. But there will be more shedding of old skin…you can just sense it when you have more to release…beauty from ashes, let me burn…I am still becoming M

in the midst of resting…

There is something healing about stepping back, stepping away, looking in another direction, laying down the heavy baggage and resting. I suppose I am still in the midst of such a respite. It has been, and still is emotionally tumultous but I wouldn’t change a thing! I know it is for my greatest good. I recognize the synchronicities, feel the abundance welling within…I know it leads to everything good and just, and is divinely guided.

I’m not haunted. I’m no longer running from nor chasing ghosts. I’m setting them free! Yet, I will never forget the beauty of each shiver, every lick of the whip, every whisper of deeply held pain! I ask that it stays cleaved to me so that I might never forget, to remember, to understand what others go through, to give my experience and my pain a voice, and to say to those in similar territories…”I know!” “I understand!” “I feel you!””I see you!”

How can I explain this journey? The path only illuminated by faith! The details unbelievable…unexplainable! To tell my truth, this unfathomable truth will come if only I never resist. The words will come when they are ready. I know my heart is healing, and it is a living, breathing, beautiful entity to carry within my chest. And my soul? Oh my ancient beautiful soul…”I know!” “I understand!” “I feel you!” “I see you!”

 

breath of life…

 

95bf15de9dfe30b3f3ab416778b78137

*pic from bing images

There is this existence of you

entwined in rays of light

somehow in silence

in stillness

you linger

an unknown air

all encompassing

as if I have yet to be

yet to breathe 

until you…

 

 

unapologetically…be you

Sometimes you just need to get out of your

head

bed

unleash dread

let go of what’s said

sometimes you just need to release the emotions you

hold

lightly or bold

new or old

enlighteningly told

sometimes you need to

step up

step towards

step back

step away

come stay

come around some other day

sometimes you just need to

ruminate

pollinate

illuminate

eradictate

and all the time you need to

be you

become new

be your soul’s purpose

unveil

be spiritual truth

be unapologetically you