in the midst of resting…

There is something healing about stepping back, stepping away, looking in another direction, laying down the heavy baggage and resting. I suppose I am still in the midst of such a respite. It has been, and still is emotionally tumultous but I wouldn’t change a thing! I know it is for my greatest good. I recognize the synchronicities, feel the abundance welling within…I know it leads to everything good and just, and is divinely guided.

I’m not haunted. I’m no longer running from nor chasing ghosts. I’m setting them free! Yet, I will never forget the beauty of each shiver, every lick of the whip, every whisper of deeply held pain! I ask that it stays cleaved to me so that I might never forget, to remember, to understand what others go through, to give my experience and my pain a voice, and to say to those in similar territories…”I know!” “I understand!” “I feel you!””I see you!”

How can I explain this journey? The path only illuminated by faith! The details unbelievable…unexplainable! To tell my truth, this unfathomable truth will come if only I never resist. The words will come when they are ready. I know my heart is healing, and it is a living, breathing, beautiful entity to carry within my chest. And my soul? Oh my ancient beautiful soul…”I know!” “I understand!” “I feel you!” “I see you!”

 

I have forgotten…

I have forgotten this thing
this thing called breathing
what it’s like to lay
effortless
easy
unaware 
unaffected…

I have fogotten this thing
this thing called comfort 
what its like to be wrapped
safely tucked in
warm
weatherproofed
protected…

I have forgotten this thing
this thing called forgetting
forgetting to forget
your color
your beauty
your reflection
sound of every word you’ve written…

I have forgotten this thing
this thing called L (cursor blinking)

no! I haven’t forgotten
*erases that line

I don’t know this thing
this thing called

…LOVE…

atom & cell…

more than anything 
as she becomes further matter
as she is more dissected 
thinned
finer
defined particles 
these atom & cell
more the less chance 
of breathing 
combing into he
She is feeling loss
an end before beginning 
to become he & she 
A Whole…

rupture…

I can’t be here
not as this 
too many drops
per square inch
in this storm

I splatter 
falling to earth
left run off water
into the gutter

that’s where it takes me
everything I feel
in the dankest place
dark and dirty
sewer swallows my hope

I am ruptured
nothing to gather
except blood in hand
unfashionable to taste
dry this rusted color 
burden hued
heaviness in your hand
simply wash it away
scrub hard…

yet particles of me will only remain
as you shake dry your hand
wipe it across your chest
parts of me absorb into you
pretend I am nothing once again…

but for a breath of a moment 
I was more…

more than nothing
yet not enough 
to be more…
not enough to be
more than anything 
but ruptured metallic
bits

waterfall post…I think my heart hurts my head; or is it reverse 

I have it in me to tell you
all the things of why I am inferior 
its easy…as if breathing 
a biological function 
this breed of mediocre 
the type living right at the edge of 
she’s not enough to fight for 
it is why you will leave
they all leave
I fade from them easily 
their eyes of heart closing
yet vivid in mine they 
remain here
my hive 
my hexagon 
weaving of my womb
honeycombed
I am many shades of amber
cultivated by the romance languages
yet have landed in this life 
in this…this prairie 
the prairie has killed
mountains and sea
the ones born of me
paint plain my forest glen
left emptied a lesser
nest of moss to rest 
I am ancient roots of 
fallen stars grounded 
cursed a millennium or more  
my light less potential 
a light less than beautiful enough
to tether you to the branches of me
I have many reasons to tell you the
whys of why I am inferior
dont know any other way to describe me
you already observant of my unappeal
You’ll fade me from you
and stay the sky
before we even meet
seep from trees
lack salt the seas
light capturing the dark
dark ingesting light
am I the less; you 
the timeless 
in anymore

a waterfall of words…and words spread amongst my ground and grow

Pay attention
pay attention screams
my intuition

soil dry
my soul
long have I 
neglected tilling
too busy trying 
to grow from stone
failing on the outskirt 
I have forgotten
the seeds within
growing things will crack open
spring forth life
from within
uprooting earth 
layering the ground 
not without water,
not without light
having never doubt
it’s  grand design 
flower and bloom 
feed & cover the world 
I neglected my soil
my soul I am unforgivable 
forgetting to love you 
left forgotten
untilled
you have only been alone
toiling in the dark
this mind has blocked your sun
and the water of tears only
falls to my pillow 
no more are you
in the shadows
darkened by neglect

dead in weeds 
they can’t feed you
but I can
sweet water can ammend 
adjust postion 
transition
into garden
bee to kiss bloom
to feed
circle our our world 
and others

even the broken chips laying at the bottom were once whole…still hold flavor

Half hearted
to a whole heart
is devastating

am I stench of fodder 
and black licorice
my tongue stain black 
a mouth slimed and muddy

what will console 
with limitations imported
burdens plated on tables

the why none care to come fully
share bread nor drink
and sorrowful are they 
in the seconds of realization

yet humans are careless
so easily toss others aside
Away 
Pushed
clear the field with
sweeping apathy

lights dim and time out 
the end of cycles
murder shot hitting target

why tempt immersion 
if drought is all
one can deliver
is it exercise of ego
stretching limbs
yawning of bordem
trying on for size

Often (every time)
too selfish
too broken
too much
not enough 
not the right socket
to claim adjustments

so many moons
have entered me
leaving me dusted & waned
I am no longer certain
of my strength

my sun not rising
rather setting stage
in shaded twilight 
though it has never favored me
only betrays me

hope for a new day
yet the dawn never last
never potent long
nor ancillary to healing
maybe I am the cruel one
for not loving half-hearted

and this damndable
stitched up, perpetually 
fractured, with broken chips 
layering the bottom 
whole heart
only knows
to love wholly 

sweet death of a rose…


May death be sweet
like that of a dying rose
past her prime
when molecular structure is chaos
and her heart only knows
to fold and shut in

each petal breaks apart from stem
her last vein severed
though her fragrance lingers
her perfume long lay breathing

shall you watch her 
release her frame
this life inside her aching 
to sustain her worth
and to what moment 
does she finally herald
love, let go…
(don’t…not yet)

May her death be sweet
inhale her one last time
achingly embrace her
beautiful loss in goodbye 
yet do not not leave her 
unattended in her decay 
wondering the reason
of her bloom
 

felled from my lips…

there will be an end…
I’m uncertain with which means it is to happen

perhaps I’ll be 105
well beyond breathing expectation

I may still carry an ocean in my eyes but maybe they’ll reflect his sky

I won’t ever unknow him and my heart races surging with that truth

yet I may never ever truly know the movement of he…my heart already feels every ounce of that kind of empty

I probably won’t hear very well at that age as my ears are forever plugged into music…even now I write with live and intoxicating sounds flowing through me

I am fluid in uncertainty; the remains of hesitation line my lungs; these effects travel through time…I know I still feel this, what this is in the now; and so feel it then

squeezing every drop of he from me…I’m airless and deaf in the loud disclosure of quietness; even then when I’m 105 I will feel as now; alone…uncared for…exposed and unfurled, scented with don’t waste me

I dont know how to navigate this terrain, its foreign soil slipping through my fingers, and chokehold on my red dusted heart

tell me, should I turn to leave
jump from cliffs
slide into the crevasse
disappear into a dark lake bottom
never speak of you again

I can’t undo you
too late 
I am 105, carried in my last breaths I whisper of now, of you, your every obscured words puzzled, nuzzled in my pores 

I whisper of the ghosts in your writing…chanting your name

come here
show me, love 
let me practice the entirety of you
open to me
the sound of you…

falling until felled from my lips