dropped…

She suppose
the drop off box is where
he meant to leave her
having finished his quick feel
it is an unwelcoming cold
laying in her core
yet, how indicative though
of this past year or so
having shown her
a repetitive model
cruel is the typical
facade of men
and thus turning her heart
into an unflattering muse 
lined of cold steel

once upon a sleeper…

you opened my cocooned pod
I felt the ice melting
from my cryogenic sleep
raising my beats
from shunned to shine
I began to upcycle wasted tears
eyelashes coated with stardust 
I braved the idea of possibilites
conquered a black diamond run
one turn at time
I was felled darling
with black dove wings
trying to reach peace
atop your sky…

I don’t know now 
where you are…

12:12 a.m. confession…

There was man who wrote erotic tweets. He was quite beautiful in words and he dm’d me a few times. We had exchanged poetry and conversations. The he disappeared for quite awhile. Until his alter twitter, which wrote beautifully erotic things too, had found my alter twitter. We had no idea who the other was until he dm’d me in the alter versions of ourselves. Of course he use very much the same type of M O. I giggled, letting him know I knew exactly who he was…I made him guess who I was in a quite amusing way by dropping hints. Laughingly sad he had not an f-ing clue who I was. I eventually told him. He only dm’d one or two more times after that, which I was totally ok that he didn’t hang around. Some people have no staying power nor loyalty. So tonight I am sitting here thinking about the last couple of years and thinking of my social media writing experiences, why this instance popped into my mind… I have no idea! Yet now, I am thinking what are the chances of that happening? Twice in the different versions of myself he came along. Apparently he didn’t find it such an extaordinary thing… 

again darling…or never

Can’t go back
when a moment ends;
it is ended
we can only encounter
each other 
…once again darling or
Never

waterfall post…I think my heart hurts my head; or is it reverse

I have it in me to tell you
all the things of why I am inferior 
its easy…as if breathing 
a biological function 
this breed of mediocre 
the type living right at the edge of 
she’s not enough to fight for 
it is why you will leave
they all leave
I fade from them easily 
their eyes of heart closing
yet vivid in mine they 
remain here
my hive 
my hexagon 
weaving of my womb
honeycombed
I am many shades of amber
cultivated by the romance languages
yet have landed in this life 
in this…this prairie 
the prairie has killed
mountains and sea
the ones born of me
paint plain my forest glen
left emptied a lesser
nest of moss to rest 
I am ancient roots of 
fallen stars grounded 
cursed a millennium or more  
my light less potential 
a light less than beautiful enough
to tether you to the branches of me
I have many reasons to tell you the
whys of why I am inferior
dont know any other way to describe me
you already observant of my unappeal
You’ll fade me from you
and stay the sky
before we even meet
seep from trees
lack salt the seas
light capturing the dark
dark ingesting light
am I the less; you 
the timeless 
in anymore

sweet death of a rose…

May death be sweet
like that of a dying rose
past her prime
when molecular structure is chaos
and her heart only knows
to fold and shut in

each petal breaks apart from stem
her last vein severed
though her fragrance lingers
her perfume long lay breathing

shall you watch her 
release her frame
this life inside her aching 
to sustain her worth
and to what moment 
does she finally herald
love, let go…
(don’t…not yet)

May her death be sweet
inhale her one last time
achingly embrace her
beautiful loss in goodbye 
yet do not not leave her 
unattended in her decay 
wondering the reason
of her bloom
 

Don’t search for me…I’m too lost in music

goodbye
He is where I want to travel
away from here
don’t search for me
you aren’t in the music I seek
and that which I seek
is an unwritten score
I surrender too often
but what a waste of my love
tell the gods 
let me let you go 
I Am Heart Deficiency 
why should I keep going 
painting a fucking masquerade 
at the point of hating
this beautiful heart of mine
forming me into a killer bitch 
when all I crave is a beautiful love 
I am too much for you
I am all LOVE

is there an answer in no answer…static screams in hours gone

is there an answer 
in no answer
some kind of 
meaning in a sky left
unchecked
the expanse I travelled
was untainted in hours
where I reached and found 
each breath deeply rich
unabridged
yet in this ever change somehow 
within this passage
this path lays glittered 
with black star-dusted remnants
of a fading sun
where light once quilted
abundantly thrived catching
sweet glimpses of renewal & a hope
yet this moment is left starving
quiet screams nothing of anything 
a flicker of static white noise
a glitch in the picture 
impulsivitive mind change 
breathes colder a clouded atmosphere
an afflicted heart once
caressed seamless & smooth
lays heavily deafened 
is there a reason
once in motion 
a soul alive in midflight
suddenly struck invisible
leaves another soul…

alone & broken

airless

and then you find yourself in War…too deep, too far amid

I don’t have words 
I feel fear of failing miserably 
looming; this energy of grand loss 
when each word I start to write catches 
on the jagged edge of my faded pages
I am many (jagged and faded)
insignificant words
after they fall (dead leaves)
to the ground
scattering to hidden corners
declaring war in my mind; in my heart
too deep, too far amid the atmosphere
nanotechnology embedded
Manipulating cerebral cortex
more fissures than normal
deeper sucilai 
I’m malfunctioning 
parts misused
misfire
misrepresented
left, too often, unattended
simulating some 
biological mutated form
agile communication lessening
update unavailable
no security key
defenseless in silence
they’re preforming 
these incessant cyborganic thoughts 
I push’em aside  
yet only to come back tenfold
ten times stronger 
my blades are dull
from hacking away
at the cleaving fiber optics of want
(or is it need)
this war wages 
surrounding my heart 
conduit of heat and humidity
perpetually walking
abandoned into winter
waiting
to be important enough
a wildfire to melt the concept of never
intuitively though 
I fear I am dismissible 
rather easily in
a complexly intelligent brain
it takes its toll
hurts like fucking hell…

9:46 am confession…just another useless waterfall

I stand here questioning
every word of my slient voice
written to the heart of pages

what if my mouth is permanently numb
And I can’t skin you with my tongue

I claim to have this capacity to love
But what if it’s a lie? 
What if I am a lie?
What if I am not real ?
Am I only pretend?
just a fucked up aberration 
or typicality 
unwanted middle aged drab
aging perfumed water
my head spins straight to my core
my heart breaks every minute
in every beat
62 this last minute
splits in two chambers
or eight
Or 64
Unmeasurable hairline fractures

a two headed monster 
what if its always been the dominate Me 
repeated play of hurtful things

I keep seeking self torture
so very little recovery anyway 
so just hurt me
and hurt 
And hurt 
me over again 

never really have I been loved
a proper beautiful thing
only golden threads turn to rust
crushed in hands of would be lovers

Am I this unfeeling dumb bitch 
undeserving
sick and twisted
for my indiscretions   
All those years ago
weak and fettered 
lost girl 
finding and thinking
love between her thighs

how have I become this nothing of force 
just shattered mess of dark red glass
picking up droplets from the dirt
sandy grit having changed my shape 
my edges unable to fit together

incapable blend
sweet wicked berry juice
inproper fraction sips
incomplete whole

what actions
measures have I taken
keep swallowing
to seek and self destroy

Please don’t do it 
don’t destroy
I beg 
I beg 
my pauper cries out
A beggar for something
not ever certain
anymore

I am only good to avoid
as I hold stick glue
trying adhere substance to water

everything of my being
is really unremarkable 
for their absence tells me so

this dark breath sighs
and life I let run over me 
surrender 
let it interpret my outcome

take me
notice or not
numb or too emotional 
love or hate
what am I anyway
but a twitch easily flicked away
a decayed rose 
green thorn inbetween 
third and fourth rib
perhaps fire dying 
and water stilling
try to burn to rise
fail to drown to feel

everything
I am or not
as ever uncertain

yet even more so now
split and splayed 
fileted 
before
you